I think I will remember 2011 always.
I've never worked harder in school on college apps and grades.
I've never played harder either.
I got into college.
I went to a Kpop concert with white kids.
I went on two hikes, which makes me very proud of myself.
I met special people.
I graduated.
I was out every single day this summer.
I went to Boston, Providence, and Martha's Vineyard with three of my best friends.
I read 10 books.
I got into a huge fight with a best friend.
I learned how to shoot a bebe gun.
I started writing my own melodies on the piano.
I cried in my best friend's car.
I took long walks three times a week during the summer.
I lost my flute.
I went to college.
I got along with my roommate.
I pulled my first all nighter.
I went to really great concerts.
I went crazy then calmed down again.
It's New Year's Eve and I am very satisfied with 2011, so I want to say thank you to whoever.
Thanks!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sock collection #8:
좋은아침! Today I'm in a good mood because I get to see Christine over tea and a nice long walk!
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Monday, December 26, 2011
When I can't fall asleep.
The best thing I can think of doing right now is this.
This has bothered me for a bit now, a few weeks.
So many times when I just can't express how I feel because I really don't even know what it is I have to say.
It's like I've been feeling not quite empty... but not fulfilled.
As if there is a chunk of something missing.
An irritating, disappointing feeling of a gap.
And honestly it's starting to take a substantial toll on me. I feel as if it dictates my every move. I feel bound by this lack of fulfillment. Abyss would be too dramatic a word, but for the sake of description, an abyss.
"... if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
I wish I were a more simple person, more easily satisfied and entertained. I wish I loved more and believed in more. I wish I were more open- minded. I wish I were more talented and intelligent. I wish I possessed something that no one else in the entire world has.
Or I wish that I had less of all these things, so that at least I could live in ignorant bliss.
The problem is, I know just...enough.
Complex enough to realize and appreciate the joys of clever nuances. I love enough to feel the slightest hints at things that I believe could be wonderful, and believe in enough to hold hope that prolongs the torment of man. Open-minded enough to experience the benefits and wonders of foreign ideas. Talented enough to feel the inexplicable joys of actually being good at something, and enough knowledge to know that there is so many more great things that I do not know, and will never understand.
And this, the realization that everything is just... enough, is wedging itself into my thoughts a lot and is unsettling.
I want to feel more and to have more.
It's making me an angrier person.
It makes me hate, though I know that it's unfair for me to do so and to feel that way, which only makes me frustrated.
Guilty for feeling the way I do, and slightly sad.
Disappointment at the lack of fulfillment.
This has bothered me for a bit now, a few weeks.
So many times when I just can't express how I feel because I really don't even know what it is I have to say.
It's like I've been feeling not quite empty... but not fulfilled.
As if there is a chunk of something missing.
An irritating, disappointing feeling of a gap.
And honestly it's starting to take a substantial toll on me. I feel as if it dictates my every move. I feel bound by this lack of fulfillment. Abyss would be too dramatic a word, but for the sake of description, an abyss.
"... if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
I wish I were a more simple person, more easily satisfied and entertained. I wish I loved more and believed in more. I wish I were more open- minded. I wish I were more talented and intelligent. I wish I possessed something that no one else in the entire world has.
Or I wish that I had less of all these things, so that at least I could live in ignorant bliss.
The problem is, I know just...enough.
Complex enough to realize and appreciate the joys of clever nuances. I love enough to feel the slightest hints at things that I believe could be wonderful, and believe in enough to hold hope that prolongs the torment of man. Open-minded enough to experience the benefits and wonders of foreign ideas. Talented enough to feel the inexplicable joys of actually being good at something, and enough knowledge to know that there is so many more great things that I do not know, and will never understand.
And this, the realization that everything is just... enough, is wedging itself into my thoughts a lot and is unsettling.
I want to feel more and to have more.
It's making me an angrier person.
It makes me hate, though I know that it's unfair for me to do so and to feel that way, which only makes me frustrated.
Guilty for feeling the way I do, and slightly sad.
Disappointment at the lack of fulfillment.
"To own only a little talent... was an awful plaguing thing...being only a little special meant you expected too much, most of the time, and liked yourself too little..."
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Sock collection #6:
I thought i lost one of these pairs but i was wrong! I'm glad i found them.
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Thursday, December 15, 2011
His voice makes me feel warm.
So I have a fascination with the weather because most of the time it has a huge effect on my mood.
So I'm not being bored and awkward when I try to talk about the weather, I just really am interested.
Today's weather from what I can see sitting in bed from my window is sunny and slightly gloomy.
And it looks cold outside, but it's very nice! It's very cozy weather.
Anyway today I've been in the mood to listen to nice, warm voices to calm music to the sound of a guitar.
And I remembered about Kevin Oh, who I've been subscribed to for a while, and his voice is the perfect music for today.
I just want to fall asleep to his voice in a pile of blankets.
So I'm not being bored and awkward when I try to talk about the weather, I just really am interested.
Today's weather from what I can see sitting in bed from my window is sunny and slightly gloomy.
And it looks cold outside, but it's very nice! It's very cozy weather.
Anyway today I've been in the mood to listen to nice, warm voices to calm music to the sound of a guitar.
And I remembered about Kevin Oh, who I've been subscribed to for a while, and his voice is the perfect music for today.
I just want to fall asleep to his voice in a pile of blankets.
Today's Song Is:
This is today's song because its 90s and awesome.
It's on an old NOW5 cd that I have.....I'm so glad i stumbled upon this song again.
It's just so great....I actually really like it. hahahah
Monday, December 12, 2011
Today's Song Is:
Today's song is Corinne Bailey Rae's "Like A Star" because....yea it just is.
Rainy weather, but finals are over!
I had a terrible dream earlier this week, but this morning I had a really good dream that made up for it !
So today has put me in a good mood. And I understand this song is kind of sad,
but it fits the weather.
I love Corinne Bailey Rae's voice...it's so lovely.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Winter Project
This Winter break I am going to learn how to knit a scarf.
I will learn, and I will complete a scarf.
!!!
I will learn, and I will complete a scarf.
!!!
Today's Song Is:
Today's song is Ellie Goulding's "Your Song."
I really like her cover.
I think it's kind of odd, how sad the melody is, but how pleasant the lyrics are.
This is today's song because the melody and the sound of Ellie Goulding's voice.
And I think the lyrics are nice.
Here are my favorite lines.
"I don't have much money, but boy if I did, I'd buy a big house where we both could live."
"See I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue, anyway the thing is, what I really mean, yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen."
"I hope you don't mind that I put down in words, how wonderful life is now that you're in the world."
And this rendition is really good. WELL DONE ELLIE GOULDING.
So here's today's song.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Sock collection: #5
Halloween colors. Excuse the messy dorm room!
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Thursday, December 8, 2011
Static. adj.
Static.
adjective
Lacking in movement, action, or change, esp. in a way viewed as undesirable or uninteresting.
Static.
Like when nothing seems to be going on.
Like things have lost their momentum.
Like a plateau.
Static.
Like when you feel like you haven't been learning anything new.
Like when you stop improving.
Like when you hit a rut and you aren't better or worse.
Static.
Like when you can't find anything appealing to do.
Like when you start hating yourself for not wanting to do anything.
Like when you just start sleeping instead of actually doing things.
Static.
Like when you want something to happen, you just don't know what.
Like when you decide you need to make something happen, you just don't know how.
Like when you feel the need to say something, you just don't know what, how, or even why.
Static.
Like being so frustrated at the lack of excitement.
Like feeling idiotic for relying on others to make something happen.
Like being angry with yourself for not doing anything.
Static. Things are static.
adjective
Lacking in movement, action, or change, esp. in a way viewed as undesirable or uninteresting.
Static.
Like when nothing seems to be going on.
Like things have lost their momentum.
Like a plateau.
Static.
Like when you feel like you haven't been learning anything new.
Like when you stop improving.
Like when you hit a rut and you aren't better or worse.
Static.
Like when you can't find anything appealing to do.
Like when you start hating yourself for not wanting to do anything.
Like when you just start sleeping instead of actually doing things.
Static.
Like when you want something to happen, you just don't know what.
Like when you decide you need to make something happen, you just don't know how.
Like when you feel the need to say something, you just don't know what, how, or even why.
Static.
Like being so frustrated at the lack of excitement.
Like feeling idiotic for relying on others to make something happen.
Like being angry with yourself for not doing anything.
Static. Things are static.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Obsession...
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Happy time
Haven't seen Alice in too long. Catching up over dinner and my favorite, chai latte! I think she looks 멋있어 in this picture.
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Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Tapsonic
I like having free time, but sometimes it makes me go loopy, and then I start requiring a need to be productive.
But in the beginning it's always so nice to not have to do anything.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Starting a photo collection of my socks: #1
Taken in my hallway.
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Thursday, December 1, 2011
The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing by Melissa BankMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
I thought this was lovely. Oddly stoic at times, but somehow still conveyed genuine emotion; definitely bordered depressing. I do think, though, it has a distinct style that may not be palatable to all.
View all my reviews
Saturday, November 26, 2011
So I woke up this morning with so much to say, but didn't know how to express.
And I still don't really know how to express these thoughts, but I figured that this was the best place to try.
So, I'll give it a go.
This morning I woke up feeling.. serene, inspired, happy, warm, content, empty, simple.
Serene, because the limited amount of light that my lace curtains allows creates the perfect lighting to wake up to thats easy on the eyes. And because it was absolutely quiet.
Inspired, because I read ThoughtCatalog the moment I woke up and read so many beautiful pieces that made my heart hurt, but in a good way.
Happy, because I was in my own bed at home which happens to be my favoritest place in this world, and because I knew that I had spent an extremely fortunate night with my family and friends and I had so much to live for and be thankful for.
Content, because all of the above stated just makes you a happy person, you know?
Empty, because I was searching for the thud and the panic and the realization of real life usually consumes me to bring me back down.
Simple, because I realized that for at least today, that my only task, was to be happy.
I think that was a sufficient recount of how I felt this morning.
But I still feel like I have so much more to say.
Alright, so this is round two.
Serene-
I woke up in the same position that I went to sleep in; I had a great night's sleep. My room was clean and I was surrounded by the softest blankets, and my favorite zebra print bed spread. The point where my painted over white brick wall met the hardwood floor. The sheer, almost floor length lace curtains. My empty bulletin board. The modest CD collection of albums I'd stolen from my brother over the years. The stacks of portfolio bins, canvases, bristol pads lined up against the wall. The small pile of clothes messily thrown against the corner of my room. It was so perfect to me, like the ultimate combination.
OKAY. So here's the deal, I got really distracted and so now I'm finishing this blog post the next morning after.........
Inspired-
Oh dear god. I have to rant about how amazing the stories on ThoughtCatalog were so good yesterday. Like so beautifully heart wrenching. Reading them made my heart hurt. The types of ThoughtCatalog pieces that I search through pages for, and there were four of them all on the home page. It made my day. It made me want to experience something equally as painful or equally as beautiful. Dear god I was so impressed. I read each one over and over. Laying down in bed reading ThoughtCatalog with my 'Visionaire' playlist quietly playing in the background...Inspired.
Happy-
Waking up on your own accord is always a pleasant thing. And then when you wake up in your own warm, comfy bed at home after months of a shitty ass dorm room, life starts feeling really good. I could slowly start hearing the buzz of my parents making breakfast in the kitchen. I could see my dog trotting around outside from my window. I remembered silly things that my friends said the night before. I don't know I was just happy.
Content-
Like I said, all of the above things just makes someone very content. Like like tingly sensation you get that's kind of like hitting your funny bone, but in a good way. I couldn't help but to grin.
Empty-
I've ranted before about how happiness never really lasts. So I was waiting for the moment to come. The thud of realization, something I had momentarily forgotten. It was kind of panic actually rather than empty. But I did feel empty as well. I was panicking because perhaps I had forgotten to do something, forgotten about someone. And I did. I had forgotten about the work I had to do and I had forgotten about people, but for some reason, that was kind of okay with me. And I guess that's what made me feel empty. The fact that these things that once consumed my thoughts for the past six months kinda really didn't matter anymore, and didn't amount to much. That was empty. Because what was I supposed to do now?
Simple-
There is not much to say. I was laying down in bed having an extremely lazy day. I read internet articles in a heated room, while my parents were making breakfast for me.
I wish i had finished this blog post yesterday.. I was so much more motivated and inspired to write something cool and something attempting beautiful, but uhm, today I am not. So I'm finishing this post here.
And I still don't really know how to express these thoughts, but I figured that this was the best place to try.
So, I'll give it a go.
This morning I woke up feeling.. serene, inspired, happy, warm, content, empty, simple.
Serene, because the limited amount of light that my lace curtains allows creates the perfect lighting to wake up to thats easy on the eyes. And because it was absolutely quiet.
Inspired, because I read ThoughtCatalog the moment I woke up and read so many beautiful pieces that made my heart hurt, but in a good way.
Happy, because I was in my own bed at home which happens to be my favoritest place in this world, and because I knew that I had spent an extremely fortunate night with my family and friends and I had so much to live for and be thankful for.
Content, because all of the above stated just makes you a happy person, you know?
Empty, because I was searching for the thud and the panic and the realization of real life usually consumes me to bring me back down.
Simple, because I realized that for at least today, that my only task, was to be happy.
I think that was a sufficient recount of how I felt this morning.
But I still feel like I have so much more to say.
Alright, so this is round two.
Serene-
I woke up in the same position that I went to sleep in; I had a great night's sleep. My room was clean and I was surrounded by the softest blankets, and my favorite zebra print bed spread. The point where my painted over white brick wall met the hardwood floor. The sheer, almost floor length lace curtains. My empty bulletin board. The modest CD collection of albums I'd stolen from my brother over the years. The stacks of portfolio bins, canvases, bristol pads lined up against the wall. The small pile of clothes messily thrown against the corner of my room. It was so perfect to me, like the ultimate combination.
OKAY. So here's the deal, I got really distracted and so now I'm finishing this blog post the next morning after.........
Inspired-
Oh dear god. I have to rant about how amazing the stories on ThoughtCatalog were so good yesterday. Like so beautifully heart wrenching. Reading them made my heart hurt. The types of ThoughtCatalog pieces that I search through pages for, and there were four of them all on the home page. It made my day. It made me want to experience something equally as painful or equally as beautiful. Dear god I was so impressed. I read each one over and over. Laying down in bed reading ThoughtCatalog with my 'Visionaire' playlist quietly playing in the background...Inspired.
Happy-
Waking up on your own accord is always a pleasant thing. And then when you wake up in your own warm, comfy bed at home after months of a shitty ass dorm room, life starts feeling really good. I could slowly start hearing the buzz of my parents making breakfast in the kitchen. I could see my dog trotting around outside from my window. I remembered silly things that my friends said the night before. I don't know I was just happy.
Content-
Like I said, all of the above things just makes someone very content. Like like tingly sensation you get that's kind of like hitting your funny bone, but in a good way. I couldn't help but to grin.
Empty-
I've ranted before about how happiness never really lasts. So I was waiting for the moment to come. The thud of realization, something I had momentarily forgotten. It was kind of panic actually rather than empty. But I did feel empty as well. I was panicking because perhaps I had forgotten to do something, forgotten about someone. And I did. I had forgotten about the work I had to do and I had forgotten about people, but for some reason, that was kind of okay with me. And I guess that's what made me feel empty. The fact that these things that once consumed my thoughts for the past six months kinda really didn't matter anymore, and didn't amount to much. That was empty. Because what was I supposed to do now?
Simple-
There is not much to say. I was laying down in bed having an extremely lazy day. I read internet articles in a heated room, while my parents were making breakfast for me.
I wish i had finished this blog post yesterday.. I was so much more motivated and inspired to write something cool and something attempting beautiful, but uhm, today I am not. So I'm finishing this post here.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Realizations while walking.
Days feel like weeks, yet weeks feel like days.
Finishing one task at a time.
I'm so busy, but I really haven't accomplished much.
I think I'm a bit frazzled this week.
I'm all over the place and kind of disoriented,
I think I need to pull myself together.
But I think one of the good things about this week,
was that is let me forget about things momentarily.
Since I was constantly doing something, or stressing about work I needed to do.
It made me forget about the issues I have with you these days.
And for the other you, it made me forget how much I hate you, and how much I like you at the same time.
And it made me miss you guys a little less.
It made me forget about a lot of things that clouded my thoughts for the past couple months.
Slightly liberating.
Busy, but this is kind of nice.
But the thoughts are never gone.
Any moment I have to breathe, I start thinking about everything again.
I hate distance.
But then everything happens for a reason right?
I always think its funny how I get so caught up in what's happening in the moment,
that I can't even remember how I ended up in the situations that I'm in.
I sit there puzzled for a moment.
When did we become so grumpy?
When did we stop talking?
How did we get so close?
When was the last time I saw you?
How do we know each other again?
When did I start ignoring you?
What was it I saw in you?
When did you stop being funny to me?
I realized today with all the people I hold dear to me currently,
I can't seem to place all the moments that led up to now.
And I realize that time passes so quickly, and I haven't done anything significant yet,
and that's kinda of really starting to stress me out.
Because I still don't know how to get where I want,
and I feel like I'm running out of time,
because I'm wallowing in these everyday things that I have to accomplish.
I think I stopped looking at the big picture.
And I think I forgot about important things.
I can't just leave things unfinished.
Whether it be my work or my personal life.
So after this busy couple of weeks I'm going to have to try and regather myself and my thoughts,
see things out that need to be seen out, end things that aren't going anywhere.
I think the cold weather is helping me be a happier person, cleaning my slate of summer.
Finishing one task at a time.
I'm so busy, but I really haven't accomplished much.
I think I'm a bit frazzled this week.
I'm all over the place and kind of disoriented,
I think I need to pull myself together.
But I think one of the good things about this week,
was that is let me forget about things momentarily.
Since I was constantly doing something, or stressing about work I needed to do.
It made me forget about the issues I have with you these days.
And for the other you, it made me forget how much I hate you, and how much I like you at the same time.
And it made me miss you guys a little less.
It made me forget about a lot of things that clouded my thoughts for the past couple months.
Slightly liberating.
Busy, but this is kind of nice.
But the thoughts are never gone.
Any moment I have to breathe, I start thinking about everything again.
I hate distance.
But then everything happens for a reason right?
I always think its funny how I get so caught up in what's happening in the moment,
that I can't even remember how I ended up in the situations that I'm in.
I sit there puzzled for a moment.
When did we become so grumpy?
When did we stop talking?
How did we get so close?
When was the last time I saw you?
How do we know each other again?
When did I start ignoring you?
What was it I saw in you?
When did you stop being funny to me?
I realized today with all the people I hold dear to me currently,
I can't seem to place all the moments that led up to now.
And I realize that time passes so quickly, and I haven't done anything significant yet,
and that's kinda of really starting to stress me out.
Because I still don't know how to get where I want,
and I feel like I'm running out of time,
because I'm wallowing in these everyday things that I have to accomplish.
I think I stopped looking at the big picture.
And I think I forgot about important things.
I can't just leave things unfinished.
Whether it be my work or my personal life.
So after this busy couple of weeks I'm going to have to try and regather myself and my thoughts,
see things out that need to be seen out, end things that aren't going anywhere.
I think the cold weather is helping me be a happier person, cleaning my slate of summer.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Make me smile today.
I feel like typing today, for the 25 minutes before I go get dinner.
Do you know those certain moments when you're walking alone to class or anywhere really
and you come to a sudden realization?
Today was one of those days and all I want to do
is talk to my high school friends like we always would.
We'd all sprawl out on couches, on the floors of living rooms, while sex and the city or law and order svu was on in the background.
leftovers from the fridge we raided, sitting in disgusting crusty outfits that are comfy.
and bitch.
about everything.
And like, our friends are all so psychotic and emotional so its great and it never ceases to make me feel better
cause today was one of those weird days
where I realized things
I kinda wish I didn't see.
But on the other hand, this weather is stellar.
But just, like, this day kinda sucks.
And keep in mind i'm probably super over exaggerating this.
I'm just frustrated with registering for classes, cause I have so many class conflicts, and i have an essay rough draft due tomorrow, as well as a term paper I need to be working on.
But i just got a huge surge of longing for my best friends. and now we're scattered all over the country, so it's kinda sad.
And all of this of course is connected to so much of a bigger issue, and it's all so confusing and overwhelming for a teenage college kid.
And I'm so angry at some people, but it's frustrating cause it's hard to even be mad at someone when they live across the country from you.
Cause it makes it feel like we're living in separate worlds.
And I guess that's the hardest part about today.
Do you know those certain moments when you're walking alone to class or anywhere really
and you come to a sudden realization?
Today was one of those days and all I want to do
is talk to my high school friends like we always would.
We'd all sprawl out on couches, on the floors of living rooms, while sex and the city or law and order svu was on in the background.
leftovers from the fridge we raided, sitting in disgusting crusty outfits that are comfy.
and bitch.
about everything.
And like, our friends are all so psychotic and emotional so its great and it never ceases to make me feel better
cause today was one of those weird days
where I realized things
I kinda wish I didn't see.
But on the other hand, this weather is stellar.
But just, like, this day kinda sucks.
And keep in mind i'm probably super over exaggerating this.
I'm just frustrated with registering for classes, cause I have so many class conflicts, and i have an essay rough draft due tomorrow, as well as a term paper I need to be working on.
But i just got a huge surge of longing for my best friends. and now we're scattered all over the country, so it's kinda sad.
And all of this of course is connected to so much of a bigger issue, and it's all so confusing and overwhelming for a teenage college kid.
And I'm so angry at some people, but it's frustrating cause it's hard to even be mad at someone when they live across the country from you.
Cause it makes it feel like we're living in separate worlds.
And I guess that's the hardest part about today.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
There is something extremely therapeutic about laying on your belly. As I'm writing this blog entry, half my face is buried in a mass of pillows while i stare blankly at my fingers tapping away at the worn out keyboard of my macbook. I'm not glancing at my screen, just at my fingers. I'm just laying here on my bed on my stomach, with my right foot slightly dangling off the side of my bed, breathing in the freshly washed scent of my pillow. I'm listening to a song that's moving and soothing. The lights are dim. There's something really very therapeutic about this scenario.
None of this makes very much sense and isn't really significant at all in light of things.
But just moments earlier I had a wave of panic overcome me. I stood up, started pacing around my dorm room, not knowing just what to do with myself. Nothing felt right, nothing. I can waste words and phrases to try and describe the exact feeling of what I felt, but I'd rather not. Instead, just recall upon what it feels like to be utterly lost. Then came a blanket of insecurity. So I turned off all the lights in my room.
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| http://caramelchimes.tumblr.com/post/11345975441 |
Now the cause of my panic. The cause. I suppose it was the realization that absolutely nothing good in life stays long enough. It's tantalizing and devastatingly short. I would almost rather these moments never came. Because the crash from the high just isn't proving to be worth it. I repeat, nothing good in this world lasts. It always seems like breaks are too short, feelings never last, money runs out too fast, great dreams are cut off before the best part. Artists are good until they're not. None of it seems fair at all to me. And then thinking back to my own short lived good-ness, my happiness, I just felt overwhelmingly depressed by the sadness of it all.
I felt angry. And cheated. I felt foolish for falling for the sophistry of happiness. It made me angrier to realize that no matter what, I will always succumb to the tricks of happiness. Because the moments we are happy, are indescribably, devastatingly euphoric-- simply too addictive to not seize any opportunity to be happy that comes our way. It's like you want to give happiness a try, no matter how many times it disappoints you--no- scratch that. No matter how many times it kills you. Because as goal oriented folk in a forward moving society, we yearn for that relief. Isn't that the entire basis of our goals? To "achieve" happiness? To live the good life? So to what extent do we continue to allow ourselves to suffer the pain of when the good in our lives pass? Personally, there was a time when I thought I was done. The pain of the sudden absence of the good, the happy in my life was nothing short of hell. So heartbroken that my heart literally felt like it was ripping out of my chest. When breathing was hard and I was choking on muffled tears. A time when I cried myself to sleep everyday. When I couldn't look at myself in the mirror for five seconds without bursting into tears again. That was a time when I honestly thought I was through with giving happiness a chance. Because the god damned good never lasted, and that was the final straw.
But there is just something so amazing about happiness. It's a point of clarity. The desire to be happy once more will always bounce back. It's too tantalizing to ignore.
So we do all that we can to be happy. To make the good in our life stay. But I'm telling you again, it never does. The good will never last.
Cause here I am now, laying on my stomach, neck sore from supporting my chin muffled in a pillow, arms aching from being bent in this awkward position of typing on my bed, my right leg has gone numb from hanging off the bed. The therapeutic goodness of laying on my belly has gone, just another good that's been stripped from me today.
So damn you happiness and all the good you bring, damn you for making me think things are okay and taking that security away from me. I really hate you.
I just really need you, happiness, and for you to stay with me always.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
The Winter Season
I normally really hate winter and rain and the cold.
But this year, I'm so happy that winter is coming.
I'm so ready for change.
And I think that the change in weather, not having to wear to look at the clothes i wore this summer,
switching from my summer playlist to a new winter playlist,
being with new people, and making new friends.
I think it's going to be really good.
I think when the hot weather is gone for good, I'll be able to move on to a new part of my life.
I won't be stuck in summer, and then maybe I'll be able to stop missing my friends and you and you.
I won't have to wear all my summer clothes anymore.
The clothes that I wore that I spent hours and days and nights doing crazy things,
illegal things, boring things.
The clothes that I wore when I spent hours in my best friends car crying,
and in the same car laughing my brains out.
Because then I cant trick myself into thinking that summers not over,
and I can't give myself hopes anymore.
I think Winter will be like starting a new page.
Like a fresh, new page in a brand new journal.
And i think i'll be ready to let everything go, and finally go out and do everything and get everything that i wanted out of college, before summer happened and made me a little crazy.
So, I am extremely excited and thrilled for Winter and everything it has in store for me.
But this year, I'm so happy that winter is coming.
I'm so ready for change.
And I think that the change in weather, not having to wear to look at the clothes i wore this summer,
switching from my summer playlist to a new winter playlist,
being with new people, and making new friends.
I think it's going to be really good.
I think when the hot weather is gone for good, I'll be able to move on to a new part of my life.
I won't be stuck in summer, and then maybe I'll be able to stop missing my friends and you and you.
I won't have to wear all my summer clothes anymore.
The clothes that I wore that I spent hours and days and nights doing crazy things,
illegal things, boring things.
The clothes that I wore when I spent hours in my best friends car crying,
and in the same car laughing my brains out.
Because then I cant trick myself into thinking that summers not over,
and I can't give myself hopes anymore.
I think Winter will be like starting a new page.
Like a fresh, new page in a brand new journal.
And i think i'll be ready to let everything go, and finally go out and do everything and get everything that i wanted out of college, before summer happened and made me a little crazy.
So, I am extremely excited and thrilled for Winter and everything it has in store for me.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Monday, August 1, 2011
I miss sketching and drawing and feeling ambitious to recreate something perfectly.
I miss carrying my moleskin around to class and doodling in it all day instead of paying attention.
I miss the crappy pianos in the practice rooms during music theory.
I miss sharing beginnings of compositions with brennan.
I miss getting annoyed at my art teacher.
I miss the figure drawing models.
I miss hating painting because i'm just not good at it.
I miss looking at a cardboard box for hours and hours trying to draw it.
I miss having a key to the art studio and drawing alone in the morning.
I miss that feeling of achievement when you begin to see your piece looking really good.
I miss learning about the pillows and pinches and stretches during figure drawing.
I miss being really loud and obnoxious and dancing and talking to the models during figure drawing.
I miss refusing to draw during figure drawing.
I miss those rare, rare moments when I paint something I actually like.
I miss flipping through my mom's art books for inspiration.
I miss being quiet and concentrated, listening to music and working intensely on a piece.
I miss teacher yelling at us to turn the music down.
I miss having charcoal smeared all over the sides of my hands.
I miss losing my pencils, and charcoal sticks, and blenders, and erasers all the time.
I miss running out of newsprint.
I miss trying to convince teacher to draw things for me.
I miss taking naps at art.
I miss being good at figure drawing.
I miss being lonely at art.
I miss being frustrated when I can't think of anything i want to draw.
I miss hating art because I can't go out with my friend cause of it.
I miss sketching and drawing the most i think, though.
I miss carrying my moleskin around to class and doodling in it all day instead of paying attention.
I miss the crappy pianos in the practice rooms during music theory.
I miss sharing beginnings of compositions with brennan.
I miss getting annoyed at my art teacher.
I miss the figure drawing models.
I miss hating painting because i'm just not good at it.
I miss looking at a cardboard box for hours and hours trying to draw it.
I miss having a key to the art studio and drawing alone in the morning.
I miss that feeling of achievement when you begin to see your piece looking really good.
I miss learning about the pillows and pinches and stretches during figure drawing.
I miss being really loud and obnoxious and dancing and talking to the models during figure drawing.
I miss refusing to draw during figure drawing.
I miss those rare, rare moments when I paint something I actually like.
I miss flipping through my mom's art books for inspiration.
I miss being quiet and concentrated, listening to music and working intensely on a piece.
I miss teacher yelling at us to turn the music down.
I miss having charcoal smeared all over the sides of my hands.
I miss losing my pencils, and charcoal sticks, and blenders, and erasers all the time.
I miss running out of newsprint.
I miss trying to convince teacher to draw things for me.
I miss taking naps at art.
I miss being good at figure drawing.
I miss being lonely at art.
I miss being frustrated when I can't think of anything i want to draw.
I miss hating art because I can't go out with my friend cause of it.
I miss sketching and drawing the most i think, though.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
So I'm listening for the weather..
But it doesn't really matter what it is he has to say because tomorrow's keep on blowing in from somewhere..
i love that song. and i love that song. it's true, it doesn't matter if you listen for whats going to happen tomorrow or try to prepare yourself, because its still going to happen, and you'll never really be prepared for it.
rewatching sex in the city episodes because i've pretty much seen every single episode....
but seeing them again, i've come to realize:
- i hate carrie with mr. big, i hate big in general. i just don't think he's the right guy for Carrie
- i love carrie and aidan
- but i love carrie with berger the best. even though they are so wrong for each other.
- i hate when carrie has her lesbo short hair with the jesus part
- i hate when samantha is in a relationship, she should always be single
- miranda and steve <3
- charlotte.....eternally searching for a husband.
i love sex in the city. its seriously like the best show ever. i don't care if i sound dumb saying that. it just is.
anyway. im really ready for school to start. so that i can move on with things and stop trying to think of how things are going to be and stop trying to decide what im going to do when school starts, so that i can just go out and DO IT. im so bored its making me depressed. and im not happy with summer and i just want it to end and i miss seeing people everyday not just my friends but strangers and i miss doing things i don't want to do like doing homework and staying up late studying. and i miss listening to music off my laptop with earphones in doing homework and typing up a word doc and not hearing my mom when she calls me from the kitchen to eat dinner and GOD IM JUST SO BORED WITH LIFE AND I NEED THINGS TO OCCUPY MYSELF AND IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF THINKING AND THINKING AND THINKING ABOUT REALLY POINTLESS THINGS BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO DO AND THATS THE REASON I CANT SLEEP AND IM AIMLESSLY THINKING AND AIMLESSLY BLOGGING.
i love that song. and i love that song. it's true, it doesn't matter if you listen for whats going to happen tomorrow or try to prepare yourself, because its still going to happen, and you'll never really be prepared for it.
rewatching sex in the city episodes because i've pretty much seen every single episode....
but seeing them again, i've come to realize:
- i hate carrie with mr. big, i hate big in general. i just don't think he's the right guy for Carrie
- i love carrie and aidan
- but i love carrie with berger the best. even though they are so wrong for each other.
- i hate when carrie has her lesbo short hair with the jesus part
- i hate when samantha is in a relationship, she should always be single
- miranda and steve <3
- charlotte.....eternally searching for a husband.
i love sex in the city. its seriously like the best show ever. i don't care if i sound dumb saying that. it just is.
anyway. im really ready for school to start. so that i can move on with things and stop trying to think of how things are going to be and stop trying to decide what im going to do when school starts, so that i can just go out and DO IT. im so bored its making me depressed. and im not happy with summer and i just want it to end and i miss seeing people everyday not just my friends but strangers and i miss doing things i don't want to do like doing homework and staying up late studying. and i miss listening to music off my laptop with earphones in doing homework and typing up a word doc and not hearing my mom when she calls me from the kitchen to eat dinner and GOD IM JUST SO BORED WITH LIFE AND I NEED THINGS TO OCCUPY MYSELF AND IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF THINKING AND THINKING AND THINKING ABOUT REALLY POINTLESS THINGS BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO DO AND THATS THE REASON I CANT SLEEP AND IM AIMLESSLY THINKING AND AIMLESSLY BLOGGING.
Friday, July 29, 2011
I wish I could sing no regrets, and no emotional debts.
Tears Dry On Their Own
So Tears Dry On Their Own has always been my favorite song by Amy, but I've never really listened to the lyrics.
Since the melody is pretty upbeat, I thought it was a cheerful song, but the other day I looked up the lyrics and it's completely different from what I originally thought.
And the lyrics are so unique. Idk I've never really found a song expressing those ideas or feelings,
and i find it really refreshing. It's not so cliche.
I just think its a much more realistic view of how things work in life.
Because she doesn't blame other people for why things happen
and doesn't sugarcoat things.
She just sings it how it is.
I like that very much.
Harvard 2008 Commencement Speech
On a different note, Patrick Moore emailed me J.K Rowling's commencement speech to Harvard's 2008 graduating class and its so wonderful.
idk i can't even say anything about it without sounding ridiculously emotionally and cheesy so i'm just going to leave the link so you can watch for yourself. And i have to put in a couple quotes from the speech.
"As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters."
"So why do I talk of the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential."
And now to talk about myself. HA. I love how self centered I can be on this....because it is...afterall my blog.. i feel like everything is very stagnant right now. or like i'm just treading water. and nothing is too terrible, but nothing is that great either. i just want for SOMETHING in my life to progress. I guess i'm ready for school to start. I love my friends so much. so so very much. but i want to meet new people that will make me excited again in a way that only new friends can make you feel.
Back to Amy. There's one part in the song, "so this is inevitable withdrawal"
that i really like. and i feel like that's how things are
with college coming really, so soon.
that all the new friendships and promises i make to do this and that with people,
are all just empty promises.
because my life is about to change so drastically so soon,
and i just wonder what are the things that will stay the same,
what are the friendships that i will keep?
i just don't know
and there are things that i want, but i don't even know if i will still want them in a month.
and they seem so important to me at this time, but really, really really really things are changing rapidly in my life right now
and its hard to keep track emotionally with how everything adds up to me in my mind
and now im rambling..
but i feel like im trapped in this bubble of things. and because there are so many things that are changing, they pass me by
without being able to fully comprehend them so its kinda
like this rush of events and i don't get to experience them
so its like this blur and nothing seems meaningful because i'm just trying to get through and get everything done
but it feels like im missing out more than ever
i want to slow down
but fast forward at the same time.
So Tears Dry On Their Own has always been my favorite song by Amy, but I've never really listened to the lyrics.
Since the melody is pretty upbeat, I thought it was a cheerful song, but the other day I looked up the lyrics and it's completely different from what I originally thought.
And the lyrics are so unique. Idk I've never really found a song expressing those ideas or feelings,
and i find it really refreshing. It's not so cliche.
I just think its a much more realistic view of how things work in life.
Because she doesn't blame other people for why things happen
and doesn't sugarcoat things.
She just sings it how it is.
I like that very much.
Harvard 2008 Commencement Speech
On a different note, Patrick Moore emailed me J.K Rowling's commencement speech to Harvard's 2008 graduating class and its so wonderful.
idk i can't even say anything about it without sounding ridiculously emotionally and cheesy so i'm just going to leave the link so you can watch for yourself. And i have to put in a couple quotes from the speech.
"As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters."
"So why do I talk of the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential."
And now to talk about myself. HA. I love how self centered I can be on this....because it is...afterall my blog.. i feel like everything is very stagnant right now. or like i'm just treading water. and nothing is too terrible, but nothing is that great either. i just want for SOMETHING in my life to progress. I guess i'm ready for school to start. I love my friends so much. so so very much. but i want to meet new people that will make me excited again in a way that only new friends can make you feel.
Back to Amy. There's one part in the song, "so this is inevitable withdrawal"
that i really like. and i feel like that's how things are
with college coming really, so soon.
that all the new friendships and promises i make to do this and that with people,
are all just empty promises.
because my life is about to change so drastically so soon,
and i just wonder what are the things that will stay the same,
what are the friendships that i will keep?
i just don't know
and there are things that i want, but i don't even know if i will still want them in a month.
and they seem so important to me at this time, but really, really really really things are changing rapidly in my life right now
and its hard to keep track emotionally with how everything adds up to me in my mind
and now im rambling..
but i feel like im trapped in this bubble of things. and because there are so many things that are changing, they pass me by
without being able to fully comprehend them so its kinda
like this rush of events and i don't get to experience them
so its like this blur and nothing seems meaningful because i'm just trying to get through and get everything done
but it feels like im missing out more than ever
i want to slow down
but fast forward at the same time.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Things are just geting so hard these days. Its not that bad when I'm with people but when im alone it drives me crazy. Especially times like now, when im trying to sleep because its sort of turning me into an insomniac. I just want to curl up in ball and sleep forever. Its ok when im with friends because im forced to be preoccupied with different conversations and activities and im forced to listen to their problems, but its the hardest when im alone. Im so so so tired and i feel helpless. I dont feel like there is anyone i can turn to that will make me feel better anymore and that kinda kills me. Maybe this is the fed up insomniac side of me talking but i find myself dreading this time of day. Come night im helpless and all alone thinking about just how helpless and alone i actually am. I need summer to end; its driving me a little insane and I'm a little scared. I wish i could just sleep like before.
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Thursday, July 14, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Help
I just don't get it sometimes. Most of the time. It's weird and scary, and annoying when you're trying to sleep.
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Friday, July 1, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
I'm the type of girl that listens to one song on repeat usually for a week and that basically determines my outlook on my life for the week. And i dont want to say what song I've been listening to this week, but I'm glad that i am. Because this song makes me feel all sappy, and good about myself, and it makes me want to go back to before, and thats good.
Life is kinda frustrating these days. Its really hard when you try your best to give good advice, but you can just see that you're no help. Its really tough and just frustrating when you cant understand someone you care about and you cant help them no matter how hard you try. It stresses me out its kinda always in the back of my mind; funny sometimes i should listen to my own advice. So yeah, I'm glad that I'm listening to this song this week because it kinda makes me feel way better about things and it kinda makes me feel like i can do better than im doing right now.
I need to stop being wishy washy and pick a side and stick to it. And after three days of listening to this song, i think its finally convinced me to do the smart thing and do what i know is best for me even though it might not be exactly what i want to do.
I still need to take a couple days to myself, because my mind is getting really cluttered and I'm getting all confused with all the conversations with all the different people I've been with and with the different dreams I've had and different encounters ive endured. My mind is just really messy and confused right now, but it helps to listen to one song in a week because it gives me something to go by for the week.
This song just came at the perfect time i guess.
Life is kinda frustrating these days. Its really hard when you try your best to give good advice, but you can just see that you're no help. Its really tough and just frustrating when you cant understand someone you care about and you cant help them no matter how hard you try. It stresses me out its kinda always in the back of my mind; funny sometimes i should listen to my own advice. So yeah, I'm glad that I'm listening to this song this week because it kinda makes me feel way better about things and it kinda makes me feel like i can do better than im doing right now.
I need to stop being wishy washy and pick a side and stick to it. And after three days of listening to this song, i think its finally convinced me to do the smart thing and do what i know is best for me even though it might not be exactly what i want to do.
I still need to take a couple days to myself, because my mind is getting really cluttered and I'm getting all confused with all the conversations with all the different people I've been with and with the different dreams I've had and different encounters ive endured. My mind is just really messy and confused right now, but it helps to listen to one song in a week because it gives me something to go by for the week.
This song just came at the perfect time i guess.
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Saturday, June 25, 2011
Everything so fucking weird right now.. i would say summer is good... but i cant decide if I've been having a good time or not.. i think i need to take a week off to myself and just not see anyone and spend it on myself reading and watching movies and napping and attempting to cook food and stuff...... I just need to clear out what I've put my body and mind through this past month and give myself some me time.... that sounds real nice .. i think I'll do that.
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Thursday, June 23, 2011
It starts getting really sad when I look back and think about the certain people I used to be so close with,
and see how we've become
strangers
now. I guess everyone just becomes busy with their own lives,
and forget about one another, but
its crazy how people who used to be so invested in each other
can also forget each other so
quickly..
and see how we've become
strangers
now. I guess everyone just becomes busy with their own lives,
and forget about one another, but
its crazy how people who used to be so invested in each other
can also forget each other so
quickly..
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?
My love for Katy Perfect is undying.
Her songs are so cheesy yet so great.
And she's so pretty but not in the typical way.
And she's just a bombshell.
I LOVE KATY PERRY.
So yea, had to get that out there.
Being graduated.....feels no different. Graduation was really anticlimactic.
Idk I guess it was because it was built up so much, that when the actual event came... it kinda passed me by.
Everything was such a blur, and I didn't really get what was going on, and then grad dinner came and went, grad night was so long but also went by quick .... the days that followed went by fast too, leaving me wondering what is happening to me these days?
I'm not usually like this, so why am I letting myself do this?
And more importantly, why don't I feel bad?
Her songs are so cheesy yet so great.
And she's so pretty but not in the typical way.
And she's just a bombshell.
I LOVE KATY PERRY.
So yea, had to get that out there.
Being graduated.....feels no different. Graduation was really anticlimactic.
Idk I guess it was because it was built up so much, that when the actual event came... it kinda passed me by.
Everything was such a blur, and I didn't really get what was going on, and then grad dinner came and went, grad night was so long but also went by quick .... the days that followed went by fast too, leaving me wondering what is happening to me these days?
I'm not usually like this, so why am I letting myself do this?
And more importantly, why don't I feel bad?
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kkshHySfRD8
today is just one of those sucky kinda days
im slipping alot these days.. i think im starting to understand certain things
It's so weird that we are all now saying goodbyes.. and it never really hit me until last friday.
At the senior salute, sitting with all my best friends since kindergarten, all leaning on each other, listening to Woody and Laura sing to our senior class,
was so sad.
And after when we all rushed out onto the gym floor,
and we were all scrambling to take pictures, hug our friends
in the midst of it I saw Jasmine and i just started tearing up
and i looked away and I saw Clay just standing alone by his guitar case and
and i ran up to hm and hugged him
and burst into tears
but even then it didn't really hit me that we were graduating so soon.
but after today....its crazy how high school went by.
reading what some people wrote in my yearbook for me, makes me
more confident in myself
and really thankful that i got to know these people
And today was Mr. mohneys last day of teaching. ever.
my favorite teacher EVER
i definitely cried several times throughout the day
for different reasons, some were stupid tears
others happy tears
bittersweet tears,
angry tears
but more than anything I think that i'm just so excited what I have coming for me next.
I can choose to complain, wonder why these things happen to me,
but I probably should just let it go
and look forward for the future.
It's funny how much i've learned about my friends and myself in the past two weeks.
today is just one of those sucky kinda days
im slipping alot these days.. i think im starting to understand certain things
It's so weird that we are all now saying goodbyes.. and it never really hit me until last friday.
At the senior salute, sitting with all my best friends since kindergarten, all leaning on each other, listening to Woody and Laura sing to our senior class,
was so sad.
And after when we all rushed out onto the gym floor,
and we were all scrambling to take pictures, hug our friends
in the midst of it I saw Jasmine and i just started tearing up
and i looked away and I saw Clay just standing alone by his guitar case and
and i ran up to hm and hugged him
and burst into tears
but even then it didn't really hit me that we were graduating so soon.
but after today....its crazy how high school went by.
reading what some people wrote in my yearbook for me, makes me
more confident in myself
and really thankful that i got to know these people
And today was Mr. mohneys last day of teaching. ever.
my favorite teacher EVER
i definitely cried several times throughout the day
for different reasons, some were stupid tears
others happy tears
bittersweet tears,
angry tears
but more than anything I think that i'm just so excited what I have coming for me next.
I can choose to complain, wonder why these things happen to me,
but I probably should just let it go
and look forward for the future.
It's funny how much i've learned about my friends and myself in the past two weeks.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Self Control for Seven Days
I need to practice self control.
I can't make myself do anything I don't want to.
It just shows how immature I actually am.
So starting Saturday I'm going to be testing my self control,
for seven days.
I can't make myself do anything I don't want to.
It just shows how immature I actually am.
So starting Saturday I'm going to be testing my self control,
for seven days.
Monday, May 23, 2011
i realized i love angsty teen books and music
because i'm such an angsty teen and so it all relates so perfectly
like Perks of Being a Wallflower
and songs like firework by katy perry
who by the way is my absolute girl crush shes the greatest ever
but Perks of Being a Wallflower is so relateable
there are so many good quotes in there
"i swear in that moment we we infinite"
"we get the love we think we deserve"
the next book i want to read is
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time.
its about a boy who has a mental disorder
and he's really weird,
but then a neighborhood cat is killed, so he decides he is going to discover
who the cat murderer is.
its supposed to be kind of humorous i guess,
but it sounds really interesting.
Another book is
If I Stay.
Which i guess is about this girl who's friend dies or something?
and she is trying to think of reasons to stay alive?
i guess shes contemplating whether she should stay alive or join those who have died.
it's something along those lines i forget exactly what.
It's just the way that Perks of Being a Wallflower is, is so
honest
and stoic
it's so stoic
but that almost makes it more emotional.
I love those types of books that are stoic, yet emotional.
The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing is one of those books
gosh i really loved that book. I cried at the end of it. Nothing sad happened in the book, it was a happy ending,
but it was still so depressing.
and i love books that are narrated in the first person.
So yeah that's what I've been thinking about these days.
passion vs. passivity
because i'm such an angsty teen and so it all relates so perfectly
like Perks of Being a Wallflower
and songs like firework by katy perry
who by the way is my absolute girl crush shes the greatest ever
but Perks of Being a Wallflower is so relateable
there are so many good quotes in there
"i swear in that moment we we infinite"
"we get the love we think we deserve"
the next book i want to read is
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time.
its about a boy who has a mental disorder
and he's really weird,
but then a neighborhood cat is killed, so he decides he is going to discover
who the cat murderer is.
its supposed to be kind of humorous i guess,
but it sounds really interesting.
Another book is
If I Stay.
Which i guess is about this girl who's friend dies or something?
and she is trying to think of reasons to stay alive?
i guess shes contemplating whether she should stay alive or join those who have died.
it's something along those lines i forget exactly what.
It's just the way that Perks of Being a Wallflower is, is so
honest
and stoic
it's so stoic
but that almost makes it more emotional.
I love those types of books that are stoic, yet emotional.
The Girls' Guide to Hunting and Fishing is one of those books
gosh i really loved that book. I cried at the end of it. Nothing sad happened in the book, it was a happy ending,
but it was still so depressing.
and i love books that are narrated in the first person.
So yeah that's what I've been thinking about these days.
passion vs. passivity
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
So I'm laying down in my mom's bed watching an Episode of Bones.
There's a million things that I should be doing right now, but I don't want to do any of it.
I'm starting to get hungry, but I don't want to eat.
I need to get a haircut..I need one pretty badly...
I really don't want to take my stats exam, and I don't want to sit through another one of Dr. E's Sex Ed lectures.
Oh my god the electric blanket is starting to get uncomfortably hot and now I'm starting to get super antsy.
I can't wait to move into my dorm just so that I could use the gym everyday and it would be in walking distance.
And so I can bike everywhere.
So lately I've been having lots of ideas and things I want to do for projects,
and i think they're some pretty good ideas,
but then in this episode of Bones, Detective Booth just described the murdered kid's creativity as "teenage angst."
Hmmm...
There's so many other things that I need to be doing right now.
I really, really, really hate people like you.
Because your arrogance is unsupported.
Oi, STEPP OFF UGH.
I just want to do what I want. Free will is what makes us tick.
Ew I sound so annoying right now.
Sometimes advertisements for dog treats, make them look tasty. Is it weird that I want to try...?
Yes. ugh
All I want is to eat vanilla ice cream and good Indian/Thai food,
and lay down on a blanket outside under the shade on a sunny day,
and i wish I was flexible.
I wish i was the best artist ever,
and made the best artwork and drawings.
And I wish I was good at painting,
because I suck at it and I hate it.
I hate painting because it's messy and uncontrollable, but mostly I hate it because I'm bad at it.
But I'm bad at it because I don't practice painting, and I don't practice because I hate it.
It's all a confusing circle.
I'm annoying myself writing this. Bye.
There's a million things that I should be doing right now, but I don't want to do any of it.
I'm starting to get hungry, but I don't want to eat.
I need to get a haircut..I need one pretty badly...
I really don't want to take my stats exam, and I don't want to sit through another one of Dr. E's Sex Ed lectures.
Oh my god the electric blanket is starting to get uncomfortably hot and now I'm starting to get super antsy.
I can't wait to move into my dorm just so that I could use the gym everyday and it would be in walking distance.
And so I can bike everywhere.
So lately I've been having lots of ideas and things I want to do for projects,
and i think they're some pretty good ideas,
but then in this episode of Bones, Detective Booth just described the murdered kid's creativity as "teenage angst."
Hmmm...
There's so many other things that I need to be doing right now.
I really, really, really hate people like you.
Because your arrogance is unsupported.
Oi, STEPP OFF UGH.
I just want to do what I want. Free will is what makes us tick.
Ew I sound so annoying right now.
Sometimes advertisements for dog treats, make them look tasty. Is it weird that I want to try...?
Yes. ugh
All I want is to eat vanilla ice cream and good Indian/Thai food,
and lay down on a blanket outside under the shade on a sunny day,
and i wish I was flexible.
I wish i was the best artist ever,
and made the best artwork and drawings.
And I wish I was good at painting,
because I suck at it and I hate it.
I hate painting because it's messy and uncontrollable, but mostly I hate it because I'm bad at it.
But I'm bad at it because I don't practice painting, and I don't practice because I hate it.
It's all a confusing circle.
I'm annoying myself writing this. Bye.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
New
Once you finally get accustomed to something...everything changes
I think I'm really over that phase of life,
and i'm glad that i've made the decisions i did.
well, the big ones at least.
Lately, the things that make me the happiest are my soft cover moleskin that i carry around with me,
and sistar songs. HAA. SORRY I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.
and adele.
but most of all k.will.
i can't begin to describe how much i love k.will.
His voice, his earnesty, his love for singing and music, his efforts.
I hadn't listened to k.will in a while until this week, and it brings me back to a period of time when i used to listen to him nonstop
i was so obsessed haha
but it makes me happy, because i returning to that time, i think i had better character
and better intentions.
I think listening to k.will makes me work harder,
because the way he sings is so passionate,
and he's such a hard worker.
i told my mom i was going to marry him someday :)
it's so funny how the music i listen to affects my outlook for the week..
i'm scared for college.. i don't think i'm smart enough for usc.. and i don't think i'm good enough at art for usc...
i'm scared to meet people...scared isn't the right word. i'm scared i'm won't make friends, and i'm scared i'll be too close to home..
and i feel terrible for having my parents pay for the fat tuition.
i don't think i'm mature enough to make decisions on my own. seeing how i change my opinions and outlook on my life weekly, and it makes me scared for college. will i be able to make the right decisions? can i trust myself to do whats best for me? i think other people sway me too easily.
this week i feel so differently about everybody..i'm annoyed of the people i usually get along so well with.
i've gotten so tired of some people, that i physically feel nauseous when i talk to them.
lunch is getting really hard everyday. i don't want to eat any of the food i have, but i'm hungry. and i don't want to talk to ANYONE i usually see.
this past month i've been spending more and more time alone at lunch.
i like spending time alone in the practice rooms on the piano.
i've been starting a new composition, i like just messing around on the piano,
while doodling in my moleskin.
other days i've sat on the floor of the practice rooms and read while listening to my ipod, because its just so RELAXING.
but i feel like mr. stone thinks i'm a total weirdo when i stay in the practice rooms alone so i feel weird going..
so i only stay in the practice rooms twice a week at most.
i start to dread lunch everyday.
today i realized that hunger and silence are so refreshing.
i'm going to stop making myself do things i don't want to.
i don't want to go to prom. i hate school dances
i've never had fun at one
and i always end up feeling like i wasted time and money and effort
so i don't think im going to prom.
i would honestly rather hang out with my mom.
i think i will, actually.
i hate school dances so much.
I think I'm really over that phase of life,
and i'm glad that i've made the decisions i did.
well, the big ones at least.
Lately, the things that make me the happiest are my soft cover moleskin that i carry around with me,
and sistar songs. HAA. SORRY I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.
and adele.
but most of all k.will.
i can't begin to describe how much i love k.will.
His voice, his earnesty, his love for singing and music, his efforts.
I hadn't listened to k.will in a while until this week, and it brings me back to a period of time when i used to listen to him nonstop
i was so obsessed haha
but it makes me happy, because i returning to that time, i think i had better character
and better intentions.
I think listening to k.will makes me work harder,
because the way he sings is so passionate,
and he's such a hard worker.
i told my mom i was going to marry him someday :)
it's so funny how the music i listen to affects my outlook for the week..
i'm scared for college.. i don't think i'm smart enough for usc.. and i don't think i'm good enough at art for usc...
i'm scared to meet people...scared isn't the right word. i'm scared i'm won't make friends, and i'm scared i'll be too close to home..
and i feel terrible for having my parents pay for the fat tuition.
i don't think i'm mature enough to make decisions on my own. seeing how i change my opinions and outlook on my life weekly, and it makes me scared for college. will i be able to make the right decisions? can i trust myself to do whats best for me? i think other people sway me too easily.
this week i feel so differently about everybody..i'm annoyed of the people i usually get along so well with.
i've gotten so tired of some people, that i physically feel nauseous when i talk to them.
lunch is getting really hard everyday. i don't want to eat any of the food i have, but i'm hungry. and i don't want to talk to ANYONE i usually see.
this past month i've been spending more and more time alone at lunch.
i like spending time alone in the practice rooms on the piano.
i've been starting a new composition, i like just messing around on the piano,
while doodling in my moleskin.
other days i've sat on the floor of the practice rooms and read while listening to my ipod, because its just so RELAXING.
but i feel like mr. stone thinks i'm a total weirdo when i stay in the practice rooms alone so i feel weird going..
so i only stay in the practice rooms twice a week at most.
i start to dread lunch everyday.
today i realized that hunger and silence are so refreshing.
i'm going to stop making myself do things i don't want to.
i don't want to go to prom. i hate school dances
i've never had fun at one
and i always end up feeling like i wasted time and money and effort
so i don't think im going to prom.
i would honestly rather hang out with my mom.
i think i will, actually.
i hate school dances so much.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Compare, where are to where you want to be, and you'll get..
Nowhere.
I just feel such a strong need to go to a place where no one knows me and where I know no one, and start over.
To a place I don't know that I can learn all about by myself.
So that I can do things my way.
I'm so frustrated, I can't really think of what I want to say,
but I hate high school.
It's sad that I feel the need to graduate and leave this badly.
But I do.
I hate high school.
I hate my books. For the most part.
I'll always have the few that I can read over and over, forget about, come back to, and I will always love them.
But so few.
The types of novels I read, I don't even know why I do. I don't enjoy reading them, they don't benefit me.
They are always so boring, repetitive, filled with cheap content.
But I keep reading them.
I need to go to a new location, experience a change in weather, a change in lifestyle, a change in the people I see day to day, and surround myself with books with good characters.
God I hate high school.
Nowhere.
I just feel such a strong need to go to a place where no one knows me and where I know no one, and start over.
To a place I don't know that I can learn all about by myself.
So that I can do things my way.
I'm so frustrated, I can't really think of what I want to say,
but I hate high school.
It's sad that I feel the need to graduate and leave this badly.
But I do.
I hate high school.
I hate my books. For the most part.
I'll always have the few that I can read over and over, forget about, come back to, and I will always love them.
But so few.
The types of novels I read, I don't even know why I do. I don't enjoy reading them, they don't benefit me.
They are always so boring, repetitive, filled with cheap content.
But I keep reading them.
I need to go to a new location, experience a change in weather, a change in lifestyle, a change in the people I see day to day, and surround myself with books with good characters.
God I hate high school.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
i see you and mee e e getting hii i igg hh
i am just so scared for everything
im scared i won't find friends i fit in with and im scared of becoming someone i don't want to be
i'm really curious to see who i will remain good friends with. and i mean that in the truest sense of the term.
i don't mean just the casual friend who is there when its convienient for me or visa versa. not the friends who just use each other i mean the friends who really look out for each other and care about each other.
i want to have those kinds of friends that all look out for each other and help each other out when times get hard without expecting anything back.
los angeles is one of the biggest cities in the world, but why does it seem so small to me? after living in la my entire life...i almost feel bored with it. i want to leave, to explore other cities. i want to fall in love with other cities.
i feel so thankful to have been admitted to all of these great colleges. i probably don't deserve it as much as other people. i am so thankful to have options. but i don't think i'm brave enough to do what i truly want to do. sometimes i feel guilty that i got into schools when people who tried much harder than i did, didn't get into the same schools.
college is going to be a challenge. its like starting over. your entire high school career, you've worked, you've built up who you are, you've kind of established who you are through the course of four years. but when you go to college you start fresh. you don't have your old friends to back you up. you don't know anyone, and no one knows you. its absolutely terrifying for a girl who's gone to school with pretty much the same people since preschool.
i've fallen in love with too many schools. i'm probably going to end up going to usc. im going to say its definitely not my first choice. i mean, i am in LOVE with the school in terms of what it has to offer me academically. but to be honest, the art program is sub par and the only thing that makes it great is usc's alumni association. the truth is that, artwise, i won't learn as much as i could at a different school. either way, after spending the last three years doing art in the usc studios, i've fallen in love with usc and what it has to offer for a student like myself. but its such a love hate. i love the school academically, but i absolutely HATE the social aspect. greek life is so intense and social. definitely not my scene, but social life at sc seems to depend upon it. the schools reputation is very rude, it comes off as arrogance to me. i'm not a sports person, and school morale seems to depend on it. i just can't seem to get past the stereotype of the typical sc student. i dont like it. and then theres that typical ktown asian usc kid. which i might hate even more. i've lived my entire life not fitting in with the other asian kids, im pretty sure it will be the same in college. im just interested in such different things. these types of thoughts are what makes me want to go to an art school. it doesn't even have to be an art school in new york. pasadena art center was wonderful when i visited. the people, the school, everything was illuminated with passion and driven students that i could definitely see myself a part of. i just don't feel that when i go to usc.
fourth quarter senior year, i've been accepted to my top colleges, i should be stress free and life should be wonderful. and not that it isn't wonderful, but every day i'm filled with more and more dread. i always thought that i would go to a school that i was 100 percent absolutely in love with. but im learning thats not how things work out.
four years doesn't seem like too long of a time, relatively quick when looking at one's life, but when i think about how high school was only four years, i feel like high school has been going on FOREVER. i cannot wait for it to end.
i am truly scared that i won't achieve what i want. i'm kind of scared of the world to be honest.
im scared i won't find friends i fit in with and im scared of becoming someone i don't want to be
i'm really curious to see who i will remain good friends with. and i mean that in the truest sense of the term.
i don't mean just the casual friend who is there when its convienient for me or visa versa. not the friends who just use each other i mean the friends who really look out for each other and care about each other.
i want to have those kinds of friends that all look out for each other and help each other out when times get hard without expecting anything back.
los angeles is one of the biggest cities in the world, but why does it seem so small to me? after living in la my entire life...i almost feel bored with it. i want to leave, to explore other cities. i want to fall in love with other cities.
i feel so thankful to have been admitted to all of these great colleges. i probably don't deserve it as much as other people. i am so thankful to have options. but i don't think i'm brave enough to do what i truly want to do. sometimes i feel guilty that i got into schools when people who tried much harder than i did, didn't get into the same schools.
college is going to be a challenge. its like starting over. your entire high school career, you've worked, you've built up who you are, you've kind of established who you are through the course of four years. but when you go to college you start fresh. you don't have your old friends to back you up. you don't know anyone, and no one knows you. its absolutely terrifying for a girl who's gone to school with pretty much the same people since preschool.
i've fallen in love with too many schools. i'm probably going to end up going to usc. im going to say its definitely not my first choice. i mean, i am in LOVE with the school in terms of what it has to offer me academically. but to be honest, the art program is sub par and the only thing that makes it great is usc's alumni association. the truth is that, artwise, i won't learn as much as i could at a different school. either way, after spending the last three years doing art in the usc studios, i've fallen in love with usc and what it has to offer for a student like myself. but its such a love hate. i love the school academically, but i absolutely HATE the social aspect. greek life is so intense and social. definitely not my scene, but social life at sc seems to depend upon it. the schools reputation is very rude, it comes off as arrogance to me. i'm not a sports person, and school morale seems to depend on it. i just can't seem to get past the stereotype of the typical sc student. i dont like it. and then theres that typical ktown asian usc kid. which i might hate even more. i've lived my entire life not fitting in with the other asian kids, im pretty sure it will be the same in college. im just interested in such different things. these types of thoughts are what makes me want to go to an art school. it doesn't even have to be an art school in new york. pasadena art center was wonderful when i visited. the people, the school, everything was illuminated with passion and driven students that i could definitely see myself a part of. i just don't feel that when i go to usc.
fourth quarter senior year, i've been accepted to my top colleges, i should be stress free and life should be wonderful. and not that it isn't wonderful, but every day i'm filled with more and more dread. i always thought that i would go to a school that i was 100 percent absolutely in love with. but im learning thats not how things work out.
four years doesn't seem like too long of a time, relatively quick when looking at one's life, but when i think about how high school was only four years, i feel like high school has been going on FOREVER. i cannot wait for it to end.
i am truly scared that i won't achieve what i want. i'm kind of scared of the world to be honest.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
song quotes.
moments in songs that give me butterflies..
dream away, everyday, try so hard to disregard the rhythm of the rain that drops and coincides with the beat of my heart..
we cut the legs off of our pants, threw our shirts into the ocean, sit back and wave through the daylight.
i fly with the stars in the sky, i am no longer trying to survive. i believe that life is a prize, but to live doesn't mean you're alive.
No matter what you say about love, i keep coming back for more, keep my hand in the fire, sooner or later i get what i'm asking for. no matter what you say about life, i learn every time i bleed.
beyond the door there's peace i'm sure, and i know there'll be no more tears in heaven..
got no regard for the thing that you don't understand
i am not afraid to keep on living, i am not afraid to walk this world alone, honey if you stay i'll be forgiving
your eyes are red and tears are shed
my head was tired so i lean on your arm, you captivated me with all of your charm
Baby I'm sorry, even when I'm with you, I'm lonely.
You don't have to feel like you did that day, your original, cannot be replaced.
It's ok baby, please don't cry.
When I drink with you, I always have to act like im drunk, no matter how sad I am I always have to laugh. Me being like this, do you know how I feel?
dream away, everyday, try so hard to disregard the rhythm of the rain that drops and coincides with the beat of my heart..
we cut the legs off of our pants, threw our shirts into the ocean, sit back and wave through the daylight.
i fly with the stars in the sky, i am no longer trying to survive. i believe that life is a prize, but to live doesn't mean you're alive.
No matter what you say about love, i keep coming back for more, keep my hand in the fire, sooner or later i get what i'm asking for. no matter what you say about life, i learn every time i bleed.
beyond the door there's peace i'm sure, and i know there'll be no more tears in heaven..
got no regard for the thing that you don't understand
i am not afraid to keep on living, i am not afraid to walk this world alone, honey if you stay i'll be forgiving
your eyes are red and tears are shed
my head was tired so i lean on your arm, you captivated me with all of your charm
Baby I'm sorry, even when I'm with you, I'm lonely.
You don't have to feel like you did that day, your original, cannot be replaced.
It's ok baby, please don't cry.
When I drink with you, I always have to act like im drunk, no matter how sad I am I always have to laugh. Me being like this, do you know how I feel?
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I just love.
Things i just find so attractive.
its weird but i think its really attractive when guys can pull off hair died in weird unnatural colors...
and this sounds disgusting, but smoking is a slight turn on...
and tallness
and guys who can pull off wearing rings
guys who act like guys. not girls.
girls and boys who are nice to their parents
girls who don't stress over every little punctuation mark in a text sent by a boy
INTELLIGENCE.
talented boys and girls
when people do things that make them truly happy. a happy person who is content with them self is so attractive.
well rested, and healthy bodies and minds.
when guys are good at making things. food, fixing cars, building things, drawing/painting, music.
nice girls, chill girls
guys who have non ghetto tattoos, NOT girls though.
its weird but i think its really attractive when guys can pull off hair died in weird unnatural colors...
and this sounds disgusting, but smoking is a slight turn on...
and tallness
and guys who can pull off wearing rings
guys who act like guys. not girls.
girls and boys who are nice to their parents
girls who don't stress over every little punctuation mark in a text sent by a boy
INTELLIGENCE.
talented boys and girls
when people do things that make them truly happy. a happy person who is content with them self is so attractive.
well rested, and healthy bodies and minds.
when guys are good at making things. food, fixing cars, building things, drawing/painting, music.
nice girls, chill girls
guys who have non ghetto tattoos, NOT girls though.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Third blog post of the day, something must be wrong with me.
I think its the fact that i can't go run today. Running has a therapeutic effect, I feel like all the stresses of the day are released, my blood flowing. The fresh air, the burning of my lungs.
All I can do today is sit in depressing lighting cause it's so god damn cloudy outside; im eating my weights worth in bread and soymilk, I have too much time to think about unimportant things. I feel like im trapped in a little container. Which I guess I am in a sense.
I need to find me some earphones for tomorrow. And semi waterproof clothes that I can hide behind. Words cannot describe just how much I hate rain.
Im so sick of everyone at school, EVERYONE. There is not a single person that I wouldn't mind a vacation from. Times like this I wish I could click a refresh button and school would be filled with all new people.
I can't stay in this house anymore. I would go on a run in the rain, but im already sick and I don't want to die.
I need to know what college in going to already. Im so sick of waiting. Im sick of school, my classes, the people in my class. I can't do school anymore. Some people say the dumbest shit in class and it makes me want to bash my head into the shitty macbooks we use in apes everyday, even though im not gonna lie I act like a total retard dipshit. But I swear its only cause I really don't give a flying fuck about anyone at school or anything pertaining to lchs. And acting like a dipshit makes the day go by faster.
I think I analyze everything too much. I think too much in general. And I think I like moping alot. And feeling sorry for myself. I don't think I connect with anyone that I know while heartedly and completely. There are bits and parts of me that i find in so many different people, but its never a big enough amount for me to grab onto that person. I get sick of everyone too easily and I feel like they get sick if me too. I used to think I was super dependent on other people, and maybe I am, but lately I can't agree with anyone. I've been friends with alot of the people I know for a long time, but we've grown apart. The only thing that keeps us being friends is the fact that we've been friends for so long; mutual respect.
I can't wait till im not an angsty teenager anymore. And I can't wait till I go to college and *hopefully* find people that I can relate to on a better basis. I can't wait till it stops raining so that I can go running.
I need to find a new outlet. So im gonna start learning how to make clothes this semester. A new project to keep me occupied on shitty ads days like these when I can't go outside and run.
So all I have to say to this day is f u and f your rain that is flooding my backyard.
I think its the fact that i can't go run today. Running has a therapeutic effect, I feel like all the stresses of the day are released, my blood flowing. The fresh air, the burning of my lungs.
All I can do today is sit in depressing lighting cause it's so god damn cloudy outside; im eating my weights worth in bread and soymilk, I have too much time to think about unimportant things. I feel like im trapped in a little container. Which I guess I am in a sense.
I need to find me some earphones for tomorrow. And semi waterproof clothes that I can hide behind. Words cannot describe just how much I hate rain.
Im so sick of everyone at school, EVERYONE. There is not a single person that I wouldn't mind a vacation from. Times like this I wish I could click a refresh button and school would be filled with all new people.
I can't stay in this house anymore. I would go on a run in the rain, but im already sick and I don't want to die.
I need to know what college in going to already. Im so sick of waiting. Im sick of school, my classes, the people in my class. I can't do school anymore. Some people say the dumbest shit in class and it makes me want to bash my head into the shitty macbooks we use in apes everyday, even though im not gonna lie I act like a total retard dipshit. But I swear its only cause I really don't give a flying fuck about anyone at school or anything pertaining to lchs. And acting like a dipshit makes the day go by faster.
I think I analyze everything too much. I think too much in general. And I think I like moping alot. And feeling sorry for myself. I don't think I connect with anyone that I know while heartedly and completely. There are bits and parts of me that i find in so many different people, but its never a big enough amount for me to grab onto that person. I get sick of everyone too easily and I feel like they get sick if me too. I used to think I was super dependent on other people, and maybe I am, but lately I can't agree with anyone. I've been friends with alot of the people I know for a long time, but we've grown apart. The only thing that keeps us being friends is the fact that we've been friends for so long; mutual respect.
I can't wait till im not an angsty teenager anymore. And I can't wait till I go to college and *hopefully* find people that I can relate to on a better basis. I can't wait till it stops raining so that I can go running.
I need to find a new outlet. So im gonna start learning how to make clothes this semester. A new project to keep me occupied on shitty ads days like these when I can't go outside and run.
So all I have to say to this day is f u and f your rain that is flooding my backyard.
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good morning
good morning.
sunday morning just lying in a heated bed,
buried in a mess of blankets and sheets
surrounded by a thousand pillows
hearing the rain fall on the pavement outside
listening to calming music
while reading postsecret's new sunday secrets
thinking about what to eat for breakfast
just lying down
not sleeping, but just closing my eyes
thinking about yesterday, the day before,
tomorrow, and the day after.
to get ready for the new day and week.
good morning.
sunday morning just lying in a heated bed,
buried in a mess of blankets and sheets
surrounded by a thousand pillows
hearing the rain fall on the pavement outside
listening to calming music
while reading postsecret's new sunday secrets
thinking about what to eat for breakfast
just lying down
not sleeping, but just closing my eyes
thinking about yesterday, the day before,
tomorrow, and the day after.
to get ready for the new day and week.
good morning.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Saturday, February 26, 2011
I need to leeeaaaavvvveeeee thiiiiisssssss ciiitttttyyyy.
I need to learn how to be independent.
I can't wait until i'm 19.
19 is supposedly the age where we have fnally "found" ourselves.
aka developed who we are as individuals
i wish that i could be myself as a 19 year old
and then make my decision on where i want to go to college.
How will i know whether what i want is for real; something that my 19+ self will love doing, or just some stupid self
that my 17 year self is stuck in?
I want to escape to new york.
get lost in the city get lost in the people get lost in the streets get lost in the subways
i've never really done something alone
i've never really done anything on a whim
and its scary to think about but
knowing that chris is there is all i need
a big brother to be there when i need him
to step back when i don't
so do i choose the school i know i will love, or the school that i might or might not love?
do i pick a school that i may have to learn how to love?
a school i might hate.
a school that could define who i am.
its scary to think that one decision could change the course of your life forever.
the career path i will go on, the experiences you will encounter
the people i will kiss, hug, laugh, eat, talk with, the people who could change my life
the people who i won't see, the people i will miss, the authentic mexican and korean food i will definitely miss
the neighborhood i hate but love so much at the same time
the summer in the winter
to have a chance to do what i want to play with the people i really want to play with
to be able to walk everywhere
and to force myself to grow up
to learn how to make decisions not based on my parents or my brother
or my long time friends
but to choose the path with much more risk.
is it even possible?
I need to learn how to be independent.
I can't wait until i'm 19.
19 is supposedly the age where we have fnally "found" ourselves.
aka developed who we are as individuals
i wish that i could be myself as a 19 year old
and then make my decision on where i want to go to college.
How will i know whether what i want is for real; something that my 19+ self will love doing, or just some stupid self
that my 17 year self is stuck in?
I want to escape to new york.
get lost in the city get lost in the people get lost in the streets get lost in the subways
i've never really done something alone
i've never really done anything on a whim
and its scary to think about but
knowing that chris is there is all i need
a big brother to be there when i need him
to step back when i don't
so do i choose the school i know i will love, or the school that i might or might not love?
do i pick a school that i may have to learn how to love?
a school i might hate.
a school that could define who i am.
its scary to think that one decision could change the course of your life forever.
the career path i will go on, the experiences you will encounter
the people i will kiss, hug, laugh, eat, talk with, the people who could change my life
the people who i won't see, the people i will miss, the authentic mexican and korean food i will definitely miss
the neighborhood i hate but love so much at the same time
the summer in the winter
to have a chance to do what i want to play with the people i really want to play with
to be able to walk everywhere
and to force myself to grow up
to learn how to make decisions not based on my parents or my brother
or my long time friends
but to choose the path with much more risk.
is it even possible?
Saturday, February 12, 2011
say hi
Failure.
Get up there
Spin around
Get grounded
Eat good food
Talk to people you love
Sleep.
And everything will be better.
I kinda promise.
Get up there
Spin around
Get grounded
Eat good food
Talk to people you love
Sleep.
And everything will be better.
I kinda promise.
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Thursday, February 10, 2011
Hi..it's me again..
Dear Blog,
A day of decisions.. I come out with a heavy heart.RISD vs Art Center
So in the end i chose not to apply to risd. Because i would be a much happier person at art center.
So i'm choosing to spend my efforts into my art center application.
both require original pieces. and i can't do both.
But i feel like a failure still, i couldn't even apply to risd. like it was just too much.
who doesn't want to go to a prestigious school?
I'm so frustrated/disappointed in myself.
I wish that i could have at least tried applying to risd. just as my own goal.
I know my mom's disappointed..
and so i come home today from art, very tired.
very very tired today.
I'm continuously losing my interest for into the wild.
i'm finding a lot of parts to be dry. I love reading about chris mccandless, but i don't care for the stories about other wanderers. its just not compelling.
i want a book to drag me into reading it.
And chris mccandless frustrates me at times. so closed minded. i don't think he ever gave a chance to society. it bothers me.
So many things are making me angry these days. i'm getting annoyed thinking about them as im writing this entry.
i wish i had a 'refresh' button for my life. why is life filled with so.much.goddamn.useless.shit.that.we.have.to.do.
I just want to escape. but i don't even want to travel and meet new people to escape. i just want to sleep for weeks.
i'm tired of everywhere.
i feel like the things that people do ..have..no meaning.....what i do has no meaning..
was is the significance to it. i think we lose sight of what is truly important.
and i think people aim too low for their goals.
its like, dream big. have ambition. be pure to your ideas and morals.
don't tell me sky's the limit when there are footsteps on the fucking moon
i'm not sure if i really mean that last paragraph, or if i'm just really tired and cranky right now
i want to live looking at the big scope of things
but then i'm scared that i will miss all of the small things that other people will get to enjoy
goodnight,
gia
A day of decisions.. I come out with a heavy heart.RISD vs Art Center
So in the end i chose not to apply to risd. Because i would be a much happier person at art center.
So i'm choosing to spend my efforts into my art center application.
both require original pieces. and i can't do both.
But i feel like a failure still, i couldn't even apply to risd. like it was just too much.
who doesn't want to go to a prestigious school?
I'm so frustrated/disappointed in myself.
I wish that i could have at least tried applying to risd. just as my own goal.
I know my mom's disappointed..
and so i come home today from art, very tired.
very very tired today.
I'm continuously losing my interest for into the wild.
i'm finding a lot of parts to be dry. I love reading about chris mccandless, but i don't care for the stories about other wanderers. its just not compelling.
i want a book to drag me into reading it.
And chris mccandless frustrates me at times. so closed minded. i don't think he ever gave a chance to society. it bothers me.
So many things are making me angry these days. i'm getting annoyed thinking about them as im writing this entry.
i wish i had a 'refresh' button for my life. why is life filled with so.much.goddamn.useless.shit.that.we.have.to.do.
I just want to escape. but i don't even want to travel and meet new people to escape. i just want to sleep for weeks.
i'm tired of everywhere.
i feel like the things that people do ..have..no meaning.....what i do has no meaning..
was is the significance to it. i think we lose sight of what is truly important.
and i think people aim too low for their goals.
its like, dream big. have ambition. be pure to your ideas and morals.
don't tell me sky's the limit when there are footsteps on the fucking moon
i'm not sure if i really mean that last paragraph, or if i'm just really tired and cranky right now
i want to live looking at the big scope of things
but then i'm scared that i will miss all of the small things that other people will get to enjoy
goodnight,
gia
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
say hi to decisions
This is the first time i'm blogging using my smartphone.
To tell you the truth its not really the same thing. Definitely is less therapeutic...but I decided to get the app because there are so many times when I just need to blog but I wont have my computer with me....
Decisions decisions. Too many decisions to make. How is that its february and im still applying to colleges? So much work to do at art that when I come home at 8 I just conk out and bum it till I go to sleep. Been so tired these past few weeks, but there's still so much to do. So.sick.of.it.
I need to ask someone to backwards. Help.
The only reason I even want to go is so that I can wear my dress.
I have a problem. I can't resist.
Comme des garcons, mcqueen, vivienne westwood, jeremy Scott, JOHN GALLIANO, I die.
The apparel is just to beautiful.
I can't wait till korea this summer. I can go buy some new fashions without guilt.
Im continuing on with my reading. I've come to the conclusion that into the wild is not really a compelling book personally. I can definitely stop reading it right now and not care, but when I do read. Its very interesting. Im not sure if that's the type of novel I want to be reading...but there's no other book suggestion i've been given and I wouldn't know where to look for a good book. I've already scoured my school library for the books im interested in and I've read them all.
I like dumb chuck books. But I also like mystery novels. Maybe I should read the davinci code again.
To tell you the truth its not really the same thing. Definitely is less therapeutic...but I decided to get the app because there are so many times when I just need to blog but I wont have my computer with me....
Decisions decisions. Too many decisions to make. How is that its february and im still applying to colleges? So much work to do at art that when I come home at 8 I just conk out and bum it till I go to sleep. Been so tired these past few weeks, but there's still so much to do. So.sick.of.it.
I need to ask someone to backwards. Help.
The only reason I even want to go is so that I can wear my dress.
I have a problem. I can't resist.
Comme des garcons, mcqueen, vivienne westwood, jeremy Scott, JOHN GALLIANO, I die.
The apparel is just to beautiful.
I can't wait till korea this summer. I can go buy some new fashions without guilt.
Im continuing on with my reading. I've come to the conclusion that into the wild is not really a compelling book personally. I can definitely stop reading it right now and not care, but when I do read. Its very interesting. Im not sure if that's the type of novel I want to be reading...but there's no other book suggestion i've been given and I wouldn't know where to look for a good book. I've already scoured my school library for the books im interested in and I've read them all.
I like dumb chuck books. But I also like mystery novels. Maybe I should read the davinci code again.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
my feet hurt
jeremy scott, i really like your shoes and all
but they kinda hurt
they are super heavy.
but i do love them.
but they kinda hurt
they are super heavy.
but i do love them.
Monday, February 7, 2011
hi there..
hello my dear blog,
how are you today
?
i'm doing alright.
i like having my blog to talk to
when i can't talk to people
because alot of people don't really want to listen
and its great that no one really reads this.
So life should be good. I got into college, i got a 4.0, i'm a second semester senior
but its not as satisfying as i thought it would be..
because i'm still me, and just because i'm a second semester senior doesn't change who i am
and how people perceive me
but i'm sick of being everyones little lisa
i'm sick of being babied and embarrassed, its not cute
but whatever.
chris just called me and we talked so i feel better kinda
but i'll continue anyway..
i wish i had small earphones instead of my huge dre beats so that i can listen to music at school
without standing out, and block out all the dumb shit people say at school.
i wish i could wear the earbuds so that some people wouldn't talk to me. or they would know when i had my earbuds in, that they shouldn't talk to me.
because i'm so sick of pretending to pay attention to stupid things any longer.
i'm so sick of facebook, the people i'm "friends" with on facebook are so uninteresting.
they're level of amusement, or at least what they display of it on facebook are so shallow.
i'm so tired of being connected, social networking during all hours of my day.
which is why i like you, my dear blog. because i see this as more self reflection.
because i'm writing in this blog just for myself. to make myself feel better.
im thinking i should start reading more, but i need some good recommendations.
as of now i'm halfway through reading into the wild. which is really good, but it isn't exactly my kind of genre.
but it is a really fantastic book so far.
and now im getting frustrated because there's more i want to say, but i don't know what it is that im itching to say.
i've been listening to the same song for the past four days on loop.. and its such a good song. but its also depressing.
i still can't think of what i need to say. and im getting really annoyed.
goodnight my blog, if i think of what i need to say you'll hear from me later.
how are you today
?
i'm doing alright.
i like having my blog to talk to
when i can't talk to people
because alot of people don't really want to listen
and its great that no one really reads this.
So life should be good. I got into college, i got a 4.0, i'm a second semester senior
but its not as satisfying as i thought it would be..
because i'm still me, and just because i'm a second semester senior doesn't change who i am
and how people perceive me
but i'm sick of being everyones little lisa
i'm sick of being babied and embarrassed, its not cute
but whatever.
chris just called me and we talked so i feel better kinda
but i'll continue anyway..
i wish i had small earphones instead of my huge dre beats so that i can listen to music at school
without standing out, and block out all the dumb shit people say at school.
i wish i could wear the earbuds so that some people wouldn't talk to me. or they would know when i had my earbuds in, that they shouldn't talk to me.
because i'm so sick of pretending to pay attention to stupid things any longer.
i'm so sick of facebook, the people i'm "friends" with on facebook are so uninteresting.
they're level of amusement, or at least what they display of it on facebook are so shallow.
i'm so tired of being connected, social networking during all hours of my day.
which is why i like you, my dear blog. because i see this as more self reflection.
because i'm writing in this blog just for myself. to make myself feel better.
im thinking i should start reading more, but i need some good recommendations.
as of now i'm halfway through reading into the wild. which is really good, but it isn't exactly my kind of genre.
but it is a really fantastic book so far.
and now im getting frustrated because there's more i want to say, but i don't know what it is that im itching to say.
i've been listening to the same song for the past four days on loop.. and its such a good song. but its also depressing.
i still can't think of what i need to say. and im getting really annoyed.
goodnight my blog, if i think of what i need to say you'll hear from me later.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
언젠간
언젠간 이 눈물이 멈추길
언젠간 이 어둠이 걷히고
따스한 햇살이 이 눈물을 말려주길
언젠간 이 어둠이 걷히고
따스한 햇살이 이 눈물을 말려주길
지친 내 모습이 조금씩 지겨워지는 걸 느끼면
다 버리고 싶죠 힘들게 지켜오던 꿈을
가진 것보다는 부족한 것이 너무나도 많은 게
느껴질 때마다 다리에 힘이 풀려서 나 주저앉죠
언젠간 이 눈물이 멈추길
언젠간 이 어둠이 걷히고
따스한 햇살이 이 눈물을 말려주길
괜찮을 거라고 내 스스로를 위로하며 버티는
하루하루가 날 조금씩 두렵게 만들고
나를 믿으라고 말하면서도 믿지 못하는 나는
이제 얼마나 더 오래 버틸 수 있을 지 모르겠어요
기다리면 언젠간 오겠지
밤이 길어도 해는 뜨듯이
아픈 내 가슴도 언젠간 다 낫겠지
날 이젠 도와주길 하늘이 제발 도와주길
나 혼자서만 이겨내기가 점점 더 자신이 없어져요
언젠간 이 눈물이 멈추길
언젠간 이 어둠이 걷히고
따스한 햇살이 이 눈물을 말려주길
기다리면 언젠간 오겠지
밤이 길어도 해는 뜨듯이
아픈 내 가슴도 언젠간 다 낫겠지
언젠간
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oxfvc7Xha7g
Monday, January 24, 2011
.
I can't do this.
my dog ran away today.
and my mid year reports are due soon and none of the forms are working for me.
finals.
makeup work.
home exams.
college apps.
i want to cry i just want my dog to come home.
please
my dog ran away today.
and my mid year reports are due soon and none of the forms are working for me.
finals.
makeup work.
home exams.
college apps.
i want to cry i just want my dog to come home.
please
Monday, January 17, 2011
say hi to I LIKE TO FORK MYSELF
walcott fuck the women from well fleet
being sick is such an odd process...like you can't move cause your in pain, can't swallow cause your throats sore,
can't go to school cause you'll infect others, can watch tv
all effing day
but then your eyes get tired, and your tired of lying down on one side
so you roll over
but then you can watch tv, so you sleep
but you've been sleeping all day
FOR THE PAST WEEK
antibiotics are fun to take
when they're in that little package and your assigned two the first day
and one each following day
MAKE SURE TO TAKE AT SAME TIME EACH DAY
being sick is weird; a week has passed and all you've done is watch tv and sleep
and a week goes but it feels like two days
you don't miss food at all even though you hardly eat it. you just want to sleep even though thats all you do
walcott don't know you know that its insane
HEED MY WORDS AND TAKE FLEET
orange is a good color. its a healthy color. its the color of vitamin c. and the sun kinda, and kinda like terracotta, and earth
but its also the color of prison jumpsuits
and neon signs
and warning labels. sometimes
such opposite things
but orange is a healthy color.
i recommend this blog.
for... http://iliketoforkmyself.blogspot.com/
thoughts and pictures and irony
if you don't mind reading a dead girls blog
walcott all the way to new jersey all the way to the garden state out of cape cod tonight
being sick is such an odd process...like you can't move cause your in pain, can't swallow cause your throats sore,
can't go to school cause you'll infect others, can watch tv
all effing day
but then your eyes get tired, and your tired of lying down on one side
so you roll over
but then you can watch tv, so you sleep
but you've been sleeping all day
FOR THE PAST WEEK
antibiotics are fun to take
when they're in that little package and your assigned two the first day
and one each following day
MAKE SURE TO TAKE AT SAME TIME EACH DAY
being sick is weird; a week has passed and all you've done is watch tv and sleep
and a week goes but it feels like two days
you don't miss food at all even though you hardly eat it. you just want to sleep even though thats all you do
walcott don't know you know that its insane
HEED MY WORDS AND TAKE FLEET
orange is a good color. its a healthy color. its the color of vitamin c. and the sun kinda, and kinda like terracotta, and earth
but its also the color of prison jumpsuits
and neon signs
and warning labels. sometimes
such opposite things
but orange is a healthy color.
i recommend this blog.
for... http://iliketoforkmyself.blogspot.com/
thoughts and pictures and irony
if you don't mind reading a dead girls blog
walcott all the way to new jersey all the way to the garden state out of cape cod tonight
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