i see you and mee e e getting hii i igg hh

i am just so scared for everything
im scared i won't find friends i fit in with and im scared of becoming someone i don't want to be


i'm really curious to see who i will remain good friends with. and i mean that in the truest sense of the term.
i don't mean just the casual friend who is there when its convienient for me or visa versa. not the friends who just use each other i mean the friends who really look out for each other and care about each other.
i want to have those kinds of friends that all look out for each other and help each other out when times get hard without expecting anything back.
los angeles is one of the biggest cities in the world, but why does it seem so small to me? after living in la my entire life...i almost feel bored with it. i want to leave, to explore other cities. i want to fall in love with other cities.
i feel so thankful to have been admitted to all of these great colleges. i probably don't deserve it as much as other people. i am so thankful to have options. but i don't think i'm brave enough to do what i truly want to do. sometimes i feel guilty that i got into schools when people who tried much harder than i did, didn't get into the same schools.
college is going to be a challenge. its like starting over. your entire high school career, you've worked, you've built up who you are, you've kind of established who you are through the course of four years. but when you go to college you start fresh. you don't have your old friends to back you up. you don't know anyone, and no one knows you. its absolutely terrifying for a girl who's gone to school with pretty much the same people since preschool.
i've fallen in love with too many schools. i'm probably going to end up going to usc. im going to say its definitely not my first choice. i mean, i am in LOVE with the school in terms of what it has to offer me academically. but to be honest, the art program is sub par and the only thing that makes it great is usc's alumni association. the truth is that, artwise, i won't learn as much as i could at a different school. either way, after spending the last three years doing art in the usc studios, i've fallen in love with usc and what it has to offer for a student like myself. but its such a love hate. i love the school academically, but i absolutely HATE the social aspect. greek life is so intense and social. definitely not my scene, but social life at sc seems to depend upon it. the schools reputation is very rude, it comes off as arrogance to me. i'm not a sports person, and school morale seems to depend on it. i just can't seem to get past the stereotype of the typical sc student. i dont like it. and then theres that typical ktown asian usc kid. which i might hate even more. i've lived my entire life not fitting in with the other asian kids, im pretty sure it will be the same in college. im just interested in such different things. these types of thoughts are what makes me want to go to an art school. it doesn't even have to be an art school in new york. pasadena art center was wonderful when i visited. the people, the school, everything was illuminated with passion and driven students that i could definitely see myself a part of. i just don't feel that when i go to usc.
fourth quarter senior year, i've been accepted to my top colleges, i should be stress free and life should be wonderful. and not that it isn't wonderful, but every day i'm filled with more and more dread. i always thought that i would go to a school that i was 100 percent absolutely in love with. but im learning thats not how things work out.
four years doesn't seem like too long of a time, relatively quick when looking at one's life, but when i think about how high school was only four years, i feel like high school has been going on FOREVER. i cannot wait for it to end.


i am truly scared that i won't achieve what i want. i'm kind of scared of the world to be honest.