So I woke up this morning with so much to say, but didn't know how to express.
And I still don't really know how to express these thoughts, but I figured that this was the best place to try.
So, I'll give it a go.

This morning I woke up feeling.. serene, inspired, happy, warm, content, empty, simple.
Serene, because the limited amount of light that my lace curtains allows creates the perfect lighting to wake up to thats easy on the eyes. And because it was absolutely quiet.
Inspired, because I read ThoughtCatalog the moment I woke up and read so many beautiful pieces that made my heart hurt, but in a good way.
Happy, because I was in my own bed at home which happens to be my favoritest place in this world, and because I knew that I had spent an extremely fortunate night with my family and friends and I had so much to live for and be thankful for.
Content, because all of the above stated just makes you a happy person, you know?
Empty, because I was searching for the thud and the panic and the realization of real life usually consumes me to bring me back down.
Simple, because I realized that for at least today, that my only task, was to be happy.

I think that was a sufficient recount of how I felt this morning.
But I still feel like I have so much more to say.
Alright, so this is round two.

Serene-
I woke up in the same position that I went to sleep in; I had a great night's sleep. My room was clean and I was surrounded by the softest blankets, and my favorite zebra print bed spread. The point where my painted over white brick wall met the hardwood floor. The sheer, almost floor length lace curtains. My empty bulletin board. The modest CD collection of albums I'd stolen from my brother over the years. The stacks of portfolio bins, canvases, bristol pads lined up against the wall. The small pile of clothes messily thrown against the corner of my room. It was so perfect to me, like the ultimate combination.

OKAY. So here's the deal, I got really distracted and so now I'm finishing this blog post the next morning after......... 

Inspired-
Oh dear god. I have to rant about how amazing the stories on ThoughtCatalog were so good yesterday. Like so beautifully heart wrenching. Reading them made my heart hurt. The types of ThoughtCatalog pieces that I search through pages for, and there were four of them all on the home page. It made my day. It made me want to experience something equally as painful or equally as beautiful. Dear god I was so impressed. I read each one over and over. Laying down in bed reading ThoughtCatalog with my 'Visionaire' playlist quietly playing in the background...Inspired.

Happy-
Waking up on your own accord is always a pleasant thing. And then when you wake up in your own warm, comfy bed at home after months of a shitty ass dorm room, life starts feeling really good. I could slowly start hearing the buzz of my parents making breakfast in the kitchen. I could see my dog trotting around outside from my window. I remembered silly things that my friends said the night before. I don't know I was just happy.

Content-
Like I said, all of the above things just makes someone very content. Like like tingly sensation you get that's kind of like hitting your funny bone, but in a good way. I couldn't help but to grin.

Empty-
I've ranted before about how happiness never really lasts. So I was waiting for the moment to come. The thud of realization, something I had momentarily forgotten. It was kind of panic actually rather than empty. But I did feel empty as well. I was panicking because perhaps I had forgotten to do something, forgotten about someone. And I did. I had forgotten about the work I had to do and I had forgotten about people, but for some reason, that was kind of okay with me. And I guess that's what made me feel empty. The fact that these things that once consumed my thoughts for the past six months kinda really didn't matter anymore, and didn't amount to much. That was empty. Because what was I supposed to do now?

Simple-
There is not much to say. I was laying down in bed having an extremely lazy day. I read internet articles in a heated room, while my parents were making breakfast for me.






I wish i had finished this blog post yesterday.. I was so much more motivated and inspired to write something cool and something attempting beautiful, but uhm, today I am not. So I'm finishing this post here.

Realizations while walking.

Days feel like weeks, yet weeks feel like days.
Finishing one task at a time.
I'm so busy, but I really haven't accomplished much.
I think I'm a bit frazzled this week.
I'm all over the place and kind of disoriented,
I think I need to pull myself together.
But I think one of the good things about this week,
was that is let me forget about things momentarily.
Since I was constantly doing something, or stressing about work I needed to do.
It made me forget about the issues I have with you these days.
And for the other you, it made me forget how much I hate you, and how much I like you at the same time.
And it made me miss you guys a little less.
It made me forget about a lot of things that clouded my thoughts for the past couple months.
Slightly liberating.
Busy, but this is kind of nice.
But the thoughts are never gone.
Any moment I have to breathe, I start thinking about everything again.
I hate distance.
But then everything happens for a reason right?
I always think its funny how I get so caught up in what's happening in the moment,
that I can't even remember how I ended up in the situations that I'm in.
I sit there puzzled for a moment.
When did we become so grumpy?
When did we stop talking?
How did we get so close?
When was the last time I saw you?
How do we know each other again?
When did I start ignoring you?
What was it I saw in you?
When did you stop being funny to me?
I realized today with all the people I hold dear to me currently,
I can't seem to place all the moments that led up to now.
And I realize that time passes so quickly, and I haven't done anything significant yet,
and that's kinda of really starting to stress me out.
Because I still don't know how to get where I want,
and I feel like I'm running out of time,
because I'm wallowing in these everyday things that I have to accomplish.
I think I stopped looking at the big picture.
And I think I forgot about important things.
I can't just leave things unfinished.
Whether it be my work or my personal life.
So after this busy couple of weeks I'm going to have to try and regather myself and my thoughts,
see things out that need to be seen out, end things that aren't going anywhere.

I think the cold weather is helping me be a happier person, cleaning my slate of summer.

Make me smile today.

I feel like typing today, for the 25 minutes before I go get dinner.
Do you know those certain moments when you're walking alone to class or anywhere really
and you come to a sudden realization?
Today was one of those days and all I want to do
is talk to my high school friends like we always would.

We'd all sprawl out on couches, on the floors of living rooms, while sex and the city or law and order svu was on in the background.
leftovers from the fridge we raided, sitting in disgusting crusty outfits that are comfy.
and bitch.
about everything.

And like, our friends are all so psychotic and emotional so its great and it never ceases to make me feel better
cause today was one of those weird days
where I realized things
I kinda wish I didn't see.


But on the other hand, this weather is stellar.
But just, like, this day kinda sucks.

And keep in mind i'm probably super over exaggerating this.
I'm just frustrated with registering for classes, cause I have so many class conflicts, and i have an essay rough draft due tomorrow, as well as a term paper I need to be working on.
But i just got a huge surge of longing for my best friends. and now we're scattered all over the country, so it's kinda sad.

And all of this of course is connected to so much of a bigger issue, and it's all so confusing and overwhelming for a teenage college kid.
And I'm so angry at some people, but it's frustrating cause it's hard to even be mad at someone when they live across the country from you.
Cause it makes it feel like we're living in separate worlds.
And I guess that's the hardest part about today.

There is something extremely therapeutic about laying on your belly. As I'm writing this blog entry, half my face is buried in a mass of pillows while i stare blankly at my fingers tapping away at the worn out keyboard of my macbook. I'm not glancing at my screen, just at my fingers. I'm just laying here on my bed on my stomach, with my right foot slightly dangling off the side of my bed, breathing in the freshly washed scent of my pillow. I'm listening to a song that's moving and soothing. The lights are dim. There's something really very therapeutic about this scenario.

None of this makes very much sense and isn't really significant at all in light of things. 

But just moments earlier I had a wave of panic overcome me. I stood up, started pacing around my dorm room, not knowing just what to do with myself. Nothing felt right, nothing. I can waste words and phrases to try and describe the exact feeling of what I felt, but I'd rather not. Instead, just recall upon what it feels like to be utterly lost. Then came a blanket of insecurity. So I turned off all the lights in my room.

http://caramelchimes.tumblr.com/post/11345975441

Now the cause of my panic. The cause. I suppose it was the realization that absolutely nothing good in life stays long enough. It's tantalizing and devastatingly short. I would almost rather these moments never came. Because the crash from the high just isn't proving to be worth it. I repeat, nothing good in this world lasts. It always seems like breaks are too short, feelings never last, money runs out too fast, great dreams are cut off before the best part. Artists are good until they're not. None of it seems fair at all to me. And then thinking back to my own short lived good-ness, my happiness, I just felt overwhelmingly depressed by the sadness of it all.

I felt angry. And cheated. I felt foolish for falling for the sophistry of happiness. It made me angrier to realize that no matter what, I will always succumb to the tricks of happiness. Because the moments we are happy, are indescribably, devastatingly euphoric-- simply too addictive to not seize any opportunity to be happy that comes our way. It's like you want to give happiness a try, no matter how many times it disappoints you--no- scratch that. No matter how many times it kills you. Because as goal oriented folk in a forward moving society, we yearn for that relief. Isn't that the entire basis of our goals? To "achieve" happiness? To live the good life? So to what extent do we continue to allow ourselves to suffer the pain of when the good in our lives pass? Personally, there was a time when I thought I was done. The pain of the sudden absence of the good, the happy in my life was nothing short of hell. So heartbroken that my heart literally felt like it was ripping out of my chest. When breathing was hard and I was choking on muffled tears. A time when I cried myself to sleep everyday. When I couldn't look at myself in the mirror for five seconds without bursting into tears again. That was a time when I honestly thought I was through with giving happiness a chance. Because the god damned good never lasted, and that was the final straw. 

But there is just something so amazing about happiness. It's a point of clarity. The desire to be happy once more will always bounce back. It's too tantalizing to ignore.

So we do all that we can to be happy. To make the good in our life stay. But I'm telling you again, it never does. The good will never last.
Cause here I am now, laying on my stomach, neck sore from supporting my chin muffled in a pillow, arms aching from being bent in this awkward position of typing on my bed, my right leg has gone numb from hanging off the bed. The therapeutic goodness of laying on my belly has gone, just another good that's been stripped from me today.
So damn you happiness and all the good you bring, damn you for making me think things are okay and taking that security away from me. I really hate you.



I just really need you, happiness, and for you to stay with me always.

The Winter Season

I normally really hate winter and rain and the cold.
But this year, I'm so happy that winter is coming.
I'm so ready for change.
And I think that the change in weather, not having to wear to look at the clothes i wore this summer,
switching from my summer playlist to a new winter playlist,
being with new people, and making new friends.
I think it's going to be really good.
I think when the hot weather is gone for good, I'll be able to move on to a new part of my life.
I won't be stuck in summer, and then maybe I'll be able to stop missing my friends and you and you. 
I won't have to wear all my summer clothes anymore.
The clothes that I wore that I spent hours and days and nights doing crazy things,
illegal things, boring things.
The clothes that I wore when I spent hours in my best friends car crying,
and in the same car laughing my brains out.

Because then I cant trick myself into thinking that summers not over,
and I can't give myself hopes anymore.

I think Winter will be like starting a new page.
Like a fresh, new page in a brand new journal.

And i think i'll be ready to let everything go, and finally go out and do everything and get everything that i wanted out of college, before summer happened and made me a little crazy.

So, I am extremely excited and thrilled for Winter and everything it has in store for me.

Oddly, slightly at peace.

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I'm really upset and scared and hurt, but maybe this is it.
Maybe it's finally time for a falling out.
Maybe this is how it ends.
And maybe it should be this way,
and maybe it's going to be better like this.

I miss sketching and drawing and feeling ambitious to recreate something perfectly.

I miss carrying my moleskin around to class and doodling in it all day instead of paying attention.

I miss the crappy pianos in the practice rooms during music theory.

I miss sharing beginnings of compositions with brennan.

I miss getting annoyed at my art teacher.

I miss the figure drawing models.

I miss hating painting because i'm just not good at it.

I miss looking at a cardboard box for hours and hours trying to draw it.

I miss having a key to the art studio and drawing alone in the morning.

I miss that feeling of achievement when you begin to see your piece looking really good.

I miss learning about the pillows and pinches and stretches during figure drawing.

I miss being really loud and obnoxious and dancing and talking to the models during figure drawing.

I miss refusing to draw during figure drawing.

I miss those rare, rare moments when I paint something I actually like.

I miss flipping through my mom's art books for inspiration.

I miss being quiet and concentrated, listening to music and working intensely on a piece.

I miss teacher yelling at us to turn the music down.

I miss having charcoal smeared all over the sides of my hands.

I miss losing my pencils, and charcoal sticks, and blenders, and erasers all the time.

I miss running out of newsprint.

I miss trying to convince teacher to draw things for me.

I miss taking naps at art.

I miss being good at figure drawing.

I miss being lonely at art.

I miss being frustrated when I can't think of anything i want to draw.

I miss hating art because I can't go out with my friend cause of it.

I miss sketching and drawing the most i think, though.

So I'm listening for the weather..

But it doesn't really matter what it is he has to say because tomorrow's keep on blowing in from somewhere..

i love that song. and i love that song. it's true, it doesn't matter if you listen for whats going to happen tomorrow or try to prepare yourself, because its still going to happen, and you'll never really be prepared for it.

rewatching sex in the city episodes because i've pretty much seen every single episode....
but seeing them again, i've come to realize:
- i hate carrie with mr. big, i hate big in general. i just don't think he's the right guy for Carrie
- i love carrie and aidan
- but i love carrie with berger the best. even though they are so wrong for each other.
- i hate when carrie has her lesbo short hair with the jesus part
- i hate when samantha is in a relationship, she should always be single
- miranda and steve <3
- charlotte.....eternally searching for a husband.
i love sex in the city. its seriously like the best show ever. i don't care if i sound dumb saying that. it just is.

anyway. im really ready for school to start. so that i can move on with things and stop trying to think of how things are going to be and stop trying to decide what im going to do when school starts, so that i can just go out and DO IT. im so bored its making me depressed. and im not happy with summer and i just want it to end and i miss seeing people everyday not just my friends but strangers and i miss doing things i don't want to do like doing homework and staying up late studying. and i miss listening to music off my laptop with earphones in doing homework and typing up a word doc and not hearing my mom when she calls me from the kitchen to eat dinner and GOD IM JUST SO BORED WITH LIFE AND I NEED THINGS TO OCCUPY MYSELF AND IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF THINKING AND THINKING AND THINKING ABOUT REALLY POINTLESS THINGS BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO DO AND THATS THE REASON I CANT SLEEP AND IM AIMLESSLY THINKING AND AIMLESSLY BLOGGING.

I wish I could sing no regrets, and no emotional debts.

Tears Dry On Their Own
So Tears Dry On Their Own has always been my favorite song by Amy, but I've never really listened to the lyrics.
Since the melody is pretty upbeat, I thought it was a cheerful song, but the other day I looked up the lyrics and it's completely different from what I originally thought.
And the lyrics are so unique. Idk I've never really found a song expressing those ideas or feelings,
and i find it really refreshing. It's not so cliche.
I just think its a much more realistic view of how things work in life.
Because she doesn't blame other people for why things happen
and doesn't sugarcoat things.
She just sings it how it is.
I like that very much.

Harvard 2008 Commencement Speech
On a different note, Patrick Moore emailed me J.K Rowling's commencement speech to Harvard's 2008 graduating class and its so wonderful.
idk i can't even say anything about it without sounding ridiculously emotionally and cheesy so i'm just going to leave the link so you can watch for yourself. And i have to put in a couple quotes from the speech.

"As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters."
"So why do I talk of the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential."


And now to talk about myself. HA. I love how self centered I can be on this....because it is...afterall my blog.. i feel like everything is very stagnant right now. or like i'm just treading water. and nothing is too terrible, but nothing is that great either. i just want for SOMETHING in my life to progress. I guess i'm ready for school to start. I love my friends so much. so so very much. but i want to meet new people that will make me excited again in a way that only new friends can make you feel.

Back to Amy. There's one part in the song, "so this is inevitable withdrawal"
that i really like. and i feel like that's how things are
with college coming really, so soon.
that all the new friendships and promises i make to do this and that with people,
are all just empty promises.
because my life is about to change so drastically so soon,
and i just wonder what are the things that will stay the same,
what are the friendships that i will keep?
i just don't know
and there are things that i want, but i don't even know if i will still want them in a month.
and they seem so important to me at this time, but really, really really really things are changing rapidly in my life right now
and its hard to keep track emotionally with how everything adds up to me in my mind
and now im rambling..
but i feel like im trapped in this bubble of things. and because there are so many things that are changing, they pass me by
without being able to fully comprehend them so its kinda
like this rush of events and i don't get to experience them
so its like this blur and nothing seems meaningful because i'm just trying to get through and get everything done
but it feels like im missing out more than ever
i want to slow down
but fast forward at the same time.