Oddly, slightly at peace.

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I'm really upset and scared and hurt, but maybe this is it.
Maybe it's finally time for a falling out.
Maybe this is how it ends.
And maybe it should be this way,
and maybe it's going to be better like this.

I miss sketching and drawing and feeling ambitious to recreate something perfectly.

I miss carrying my moleskin around to class and doodling in it all day instead of paying attention.

I miss the crappy pianos in the practice rooms during music theory.

I miss sharing beginnings of compositions with brennan.

I miss getting annoyed at my art teacher.

I miss the figure drawing models.

I miss hating painting because i'm just not good at it.

I miss looking at a cardboard box for hours and hours trying to draw it.

I miss having a key to the art studio and drawing alone in the morning.

I miss that feeling of achievement when you begin to see your piece looking really good.

I miss learning about the pillows and pinches and stretches during figure drawing.

I miss being really loud and obnoxious and dancing and talking to the models during figure drawing.

I miss refusing to draw during figure drawing.

I miss those rare, rare moments when I paint something I actually like.

I miss flipping through my mom's art books for inspiration.

I miss being quiet and concentrated, listening to music and working intensely on a piece.

I miss teacher yelling at us to turn the music down.

I miss having charcoal smeared all over the sides of my hands.

I miss losing my pencils, and charcoal sticks, and blenders, and erasers all the time.

I miss running out of newsprint.

I miss trying to convince teacher to draw things for me.

I miss taking naps at art.

I miss being good at figure drawing.

I miss being lonely at art.

I miss being frustrated when I can't think of anything i want to draw.

I miss hating art because I can't go out with my friend cause of it.

I miss sketching and drawing the most i think, though.

So I'm listening for the weather..

But it doesn't really matter what it is he has to say because tomorrow's keep on blowing in from somewhere..

i love that song. and i love that song. it's true, it doesn't matter if you listen for whats going to happen tomorrow or try to prepare yourself, because its still going to happen, and you'll never really be prepared for it.

rewatching sex in the city episodes because i've pretty much seen every single episode....
but seeing them again, i've come to realize:
- i hate carrie with mr. big, i hate big in general. i just don't think he's the right guy for Carrie
- i love carrie and aidan
- but i love carrie with berger the best. even though they are so wrong for each other.
- i hate when carrie has her lesbo short hair with the jesus part
- i hate when samantha is in a relationship, she should always be single
- miranda and steve <3
- charlotte.....eternally searching for a husband.
i love sex in the city. its seriously like the best show ever. i don't care if i sound dumb saying that. it just is.

anyway. im really ready for school to start. so that i can move on with things and stop trying to think of how things are going to be and stop trying to decide what im going to do when school starts, so that i can just go out and DO IT. im so bored its making me depressed. and im not happy with summer and i just want it to end and i miss seeing people everyday not just my friends but strangers and i miss doing things i don't want to do like doing homework and staying up late studying. and i miss listening to music off my laptop with earphones in doing homework and typing up a word doc and not hearing my mom when she calls me from the kitchen to eat dinner and GOD IM JUST SO BORED WITH LIFE AND I NEED THINGS TO OCCUPY MYSELF AND IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF THINKING AND THINKING AND THINKING ABOUT REALLY POINTLESS THINGS BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING TO DO AND THATS THE REASON I CANT SLEEP AND IM AIMLESSLY THINKING AND AIMLESSLY BLOGGING.

I wish I could sing no regrets, and no emotional debts.

Tears Dry On Their Own
So Tears Dry On Their Own has always been my favorite song by Amy, but I've never really listened to the lyrics.
Since the melody is pretty upbeat, I thought it was a cheerful song, but the other day I looked up the lyrics and it's completely different from what I originally thought.
And the lyrics are so unique. Idk I've never really found a song expressing those ideas or feelings,
and i find it really refreshing. It's not so cliche.
I just think its a much more realistic view of how things work in life.
Because she doesn't blame other people for why things happen
and doesn't sugarcoat things.
She just sings it how it is.
I like that very much.

Harvard 2008 Commencement Speech
On a different note, Patrick Moore emailed me J.K Rowling's commencement speech to Harvard's 2008 graduating class and its so wonderful.
idk i can't even say anything about it without sounding ridiculously emotionally and cheesy so i'm just going to leave the link so you can watch for yourself. And i have to put in a couple quotes from the speech.

"As is a tale, so is life: not how long it is, but how good it is, is what matters."
"So why do I talk of the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential."


And now to talk about myself. HA. I love how self centered I can be on this....because it is...afterall my blog.. i feel like everything is very stagnant right now. or like i'm just treading water. and nothing is too terrible, but nothing is that great either. i just want for SOMETHING in my life to progress. I guess i'm ready for school to start. I love my friends so much. so so very much. but i want to meet new people that will make me excited again in a way that only new friends can make you feel.

Back to Amy. There's one part in the song, "so this is inevitable withdrawal"
that i really like. and i feel like that's how things are
with college coming really, so soon.
that all the new friendships and promises i make to do this and that with people,
are all just empty promises.
because my life is about to change so drastically so soon,
and i just wonder what are the things that will stay the same,
what are the friendships that i will keep?
i just don't know
and there are things that i want, but i don't even know if i will still want them in a month.
and they seem so important to me at this time, but really, really really really things are changing rapidly in my life right now
and its hard to keep track emotionally with how everything adds up to me in my mind
and now im rambling..
but i feel like im trapped in this bubble of things. and because there are so many things that are changing, they pass me by
without being able to fully comprehend them so its kinda
like this rush of events and i don't get to experience them
so its like this blur and nothing seems meaningful because i'm just trying to get through and get everything done
but it feels like im missing out more than ever
i want to slow down
but fast forward at the same time.

I'm just so frustrated. Things change too quickly, and just as im getting used to something it changes on me. Gosh I'm just so so so tired today and i cant fucking fall asleep. I want to go scream or punch something.

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Things are just geting so hard these days. Its not that bad when I'm with people but when im alone it drives me crazy. Especially times like now, when im trying to sleep because its sort of turning me into an insomniac. I just want to curl up in ball and sleep forever. Its ok when im with friends because im forced to be preoccupied with different conversations and activities and im forced to listen to their problems, but its the hardest when im alone. Im so so so tired and i feel helpless. I dont feel like there is anyone i can turn to that will make me feel better anymore and that kinda kills me. Maybe this is the fed up insomniac side of me talking but i find myself dreading this time of day. Come night im helpless and all alone thinking about just how helpless and alone i actually am. I need summer to end; its driving me a little insane and I'm a little scared. I wish i could just sleep like before.

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This one is because I'm a better person than you are, in more ways than one. Good luck, you're going to need it.

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Help

I just don't get it sometimes. Most of the time. It's weird and scary, and annoying when you're trying to sleep.

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I am so annoyed with everything and everyone right now. I should have gone to korea. I really should have left this all behind.

I want to have a good cry. Just to get out all my frustration and confusion out of me and start over.

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