So I woke up this morning with so much to say, but didn't know how to express.
And I still don't really know how to express these thoughts, but I figured that this was the best place to try.
So, I'll give it a go.

This morning I woke up feeling.. serene, inspired, happy, warm, content, empty, simple.
Serene, because the limited amount of light that my lace curtains allows creates the perfect lighting to wake up to thats easy on the eyes. And because it was absolutely quiet.
Inspired, because I read ThoughtCatalog the moment I woke up and read so many beautiful pieces that made my heart hurt, but in a good way.
Happy, because I was in my own bed at home which happens to be my favoritest place in this world, and because I knew that I had spent an extremely fortunate night with my family and friends and I had so much to live for and be thankful for.
Content, because all of the above stated just makes you a happy person, you know?
Empty, because I was searching for the thud and the panic and the realization of real life usually consumes me to bring me back down.
Simple, because I realized that for at least today, that my only task, was to be happy.

I think that was a sufficient recount of how I felt this morning.
But I still feel like I have so much more to say.
Alright, so this is round two.

Serene-
I woke up in the same position that I went to sleep in; I had a great night's sleep. My room was clean and I was surrounded by the softest blankets, and my favorite zebra print bed spread. The point where my painted over white brick wall met the hardwood floor. The sheer, almost floor length lace curtains. My empty bulletin board. The modest CD collection of albums I'd stolen from my brother over the years. The stacks of portfolio bins, canvases, bristol pads lined up against the wall. The small pile of clothes messily thrown against the corner of my room. It was so perfect to me, like the ultimate combination.

OKAY. So here's the deal, I got really distracted and so now I'm finishing this blog post the next morning after......... 

Inspired-
Oh dear god. I have to rant about how amazing the stories on ThoughtCatalog were so good yesterday. Like so beautifully heart wrenching. Reading them made my heart hurt. The types of ThoughtCatalog pieces that I search through pages for, and there were four of them all on the home page. It made my day. It made me want to experience something equally as painful or equally as beautiful. Dear god I was so impressed. I read each one over and over. Laying down in bed reading ThoughtCatalog with my 'Visionaire' playlist quietly playing in the background...Inspired.

Happy-
Waking up on your own accord is always a pleasant thing. And then when you wake up in your own warm, comfy bed at home after months of a shitty ass dorm room, life starts feeling really good. I could slowly start hearing the buzz of my parents making breakfast in the kitchen. I could see my dog trotting around outside from my window. I remembered silly things that my friends said the night before. I don't know I was just happy.

Content-
Like I said, all of the above things just makes someone very content. Like like tingly sensation you get that's kind of like hitting your funny bone, but in a good way. I couldn't help but to grin.

Empty-
I've ranted before about how happiness never really lasts. So I was waiting for the moment to come. The thud of realization, something I had momentarily forgotten. It was kind of panic actually rather than empty. But I did feel empty as well. I was panicking because perhaps I had forgotten to do something, forgotten about someone. And I did. I had forgotten about the work I had to do and I had forgotten about people, but for some reason, that was kind of okay with me. And I guess that's what made me feel empty. The fact that these things that once consumed my thoughts for the past six months kinda really didn't matter anymore, and didn't amount to much. That was empty. Because what was I supposed to do now?

Simple-
There is not much to say. I was laying down in bed having an extremely lazy day. I read internet articles in a heated room, while my parents were making breakfast for me.






I wish i had finished this blog post yesterday.. I was so much more motivated and inspired to write something cool and something attempting beautiful, but uhm, today I am not. So I'm finishing this post here.

Realizations while walking.

Days feel like weeks, yet weeks feel like days.
Finishing one task at a time.
I'm so busy, but I really haven't accomplished much.
I think I'm a bit frazzled this week.
I'm all over the place and kind of disoriented,
I think I need to pull myself together.
But I think one of the good things about this week,
was that is let me forget about things momentarily.
Since I was constantly doing something, or stressing about work I needed to do.
It made me forget about the issues I have with you these days.
And for the other you, it made me forget how much I hate you, and how much I like you at the same time.
And it made me miss you guys a little less.
It made me forget about a lot of things that clouded my thoughts for the past couple months.
Slightly liberating.
Busy, but this is kind of nice.
But the thoughts are never gone.
Any moment I have to breathe, I start thinking about everything again.
I hate distance.
But then everything happens for a reason right?
I always think its funny how I get so caught up in what's happening in the moment,
that I can't even remember how I ended up in the situations that I'm in.
I sit there puzzled for a moment.
When did we become so grumpy?
When did we stop talking?
How did we get so close?
When was the last time I saw you?
How do we know each other again?
When did I start ignoring you?
What was it I saw in you?
When did you stop being funny to me?
I realized today with all the people I hold dear to me currently,
I can't seem to place all the moments that led up to now.
And I realize that time passes so quickly, and I haven't done anything significant yet,
and that's kinda of really starting to stress me out.
Because I still don't know how to get where I want,
and I feel like I'm running out of time,
because I'm wallowing in these everyday things that I have to accomplish.
I think I stopped looking at the big picture.
And I think I forgot about important things.
I can't just leave things unfinished.
Whether it be my work or my personal life.
So after this busy couple of weeks I'm going to have to try and regather myself and my thoughts,
see things out that need to be seen out, end things that aren't going anywhere.

I think the cold weather is helping me be a happier person, cleaning my slate of summer.

Make me smile today.

I feel like typing today, for the 25 minutes before I go get dinner.
Do you know those certain moments when you're walking alone to class or anywhere really
and you come to a sudden realization?
Today was one of those days and all I want to do
is talk to my high school friends like we always would.

We'd all sprawl out on couches, on the floors of living rooms, while sex and the city or law and order svu was on in the background.
leftovers from the fridge we raided, sitting in disgusting crusty outfits that are comfy.
and bitch.
about everything.

And like, our friends are all so psychotic and emotional so its great and it never ceases to make me feel better
cause today was one of those weird days
where I realized things
I kinda wish I didn't see.


But on the other hand, this weather is stellar.
But just, like, this day kinda sucks.

And keep in mind i'm probably super over exaggerating this.
I'm just frustrated with registering for classes, cause I have so many class conflicts, and i have an essay rough draft due tomorrow, as well as a term paper I need to be working on.
But i just got a huge surge of longing for my best friends. and now we're scattered all over the country, so it's kinda sad.

And all of this of course is connected to so much of a bigger issue, and it's all so confusing and overwhelming for a teenage college kid.
And I'm so angry at some people, but it's frustrating cause it's hard to even be mad at someone when they live across the country from you.
Cause it makes it feel like we're living in separate worlds.
And I guess that's the hardest part about today.