Field of Ferns

Impressionable
I think that's who I am.
Just who I am.
This was meant to be a burst of inspiration.
I want to get lost in a beautiful, beautiful place.
Smile while looking up at the baby blue.
I'd be finally free

We could finally breathe.....
...
....
.
..
..
.
.

Exhale.

Full of shapeless emotion!
I think I've managed again.

But for how long ?

I'm tired.

The familiar sensation of such extreme tired-ness is coming back.
I've realized that when you start feeling nothing,
you kind of just forget everything.
Either that, or you don't remember anything.
Chunks of your life just pass by and you can't remember how you spent them.
Not really anyway.
I think that I'd rather feel sad than nothing.
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness.
But I did wish I wouldn't feel so helplessly tired all the time.

I feel like shit.

Update.

Many things got fucked up along the way.
There was a thousand pound penny that weighed down on my chest.
My horoscope stopped making sense.
So did my art.
I felt sick and blue. And yellow and green and red, too.
I still do.

Give me a sign

My
life
is
so
static.

I'm
waiting
for
the
big
moment
in
my
life,
but
I'm scared.


So,
so,
so
scared
that
it
will
never
happen.

S

O

C

I

O

P

A

T

H

The XX-- VCR.

Watch things on VCR with me and talk about big love.

Hours on end under blanket layers watching Netflix on end.
Hulu too.
Put the windows down and your hair whips the air.
Where we live is a paradise.
Blank out and stare at the same random pattern on your rug.
Think as if you're in the future and retrospect to this moment in time.
Sleep better than ever before.
Worry about what you're going to eat and when, constantly.
Meet so many people and share so many stories.
Learn that worlds overlap, yet your paths still may not cross.

You, you used to have all the answers...
... and you, you still have them too.

Appreciate and capture every single moment you are alone.
Wait,
Wait,
and wait just a bit more.
Go to class and you never have much work.
Think of how to fill up all , this , time.
There's never enough time.
Give lots of cold shoulders and make lots of awkward eye contact.
Walk around and let yourself be awed by the reality and impact of your surroundings.
Be taken with the architecture.

I think we're superstars,
you say you think we are the best thing.

Get tired.
Very... tired.
Feel the monotony of the meaningless.
Let it take its toll on you.
Mull it over and mope around.
Spend lots of time forming smiles and listening to xylophones.
Find so much comfort in the old pair of converse you never gave much prior thought.
Concern yourself with things like your phone battery dying.
Give yourself way too much time to think.
Songs on repeat.
Be really confused about your own feelings.

And we, we live half in the day time.
And we, live half at night.

Bottle up your frustration.
Research the latent meanings behind your dreams.
Feel as if a thousand pound penny is weighing down on your chest.
Have so many different thoughts that it's hard to know the right thing to say.
Sprawl out on the grass and bask in the sun.
Make sure to close your eyes.
Use each other as shoulder head rests and drift to sleep while watching movies.
Keep breathing. Always keep breathing.
But sometimes you'll forget.

But you, you just know.
You just do.

My Secret Spot

I just need a couple hours to myself,
when the weather is nice.
I would go to my secret spot on campus
and eat a banana and pretzels with hummus,
and sit and read my book while listening to nice music.
I would take a break to jot down thoughts and sketch in my journal.
Snap a disposable picture of the scene.

That's all I want, and all that I'll wish for for a while.
I don't think I can handle anything else I thought that I wanted in my life right now.
I think I'm at my breaking point.

Caleefornyuh Engleesh

I think I reinstated my love for California today.
Or starting actually all of last week.
Last week was a great week,
and now that I think about it,

It's all because of this beautiful weather.
Sunshine
shine
shiiiiiiiiiine

Spending last weekend in Santa Barbara made me appreciate California so much.
Breath. Taking. Scenario. Weather. People.
It's a paradise on its own.

I think California offers such basic happiness,
stellar weather that makes everyone happier.

We live in a paradise.
That's why I love Los Angeles; there's something you won't hear me say often.

Feelings

I kept imagining things for myself.
How I saw myself, and how things would be.
I continually edited my imaginations down to every detail, every emotion, every word that would be exchanged.
And these imaginations made me happy just for the moment.

But I was losing myself in fantasies, and bringing myself back feels so much better.

Intoxicated Blogging

Hello!
Intoxicated blogging.
My painting teacher told me today, "Believe what your eyes actually see and tell you, not just what your brain is telling you."
Funny how sometimes, when inebriated, you have moments of such clarity.
The paradoxical effect of clarity, no more.

Everything is so clear, and thankful for it.